Source
r/OCPoetry•
Pompomxe

Where Butterflies Go

Feedback Received!
As you swim through the valleys of my demise  
Please understand my mind has died too many times,  
And the personality you loved so dearly is no longer mine  
I only own a name and a soul that no longer shines  
After all, I much prefer floating through cloudy skies  
Where trust, love, and happiness are not all a big lie  
So do not cry and think this is a final goodbye,  
For bodies die, but souls are forever butterflies

(I haven't edited it at all so it's probably not that great.)

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/8a5wb1/110216/dwx2zlc/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/89w881/im_fine_website_only/dwx35ds/

Posted Apr 6, 2018, 3:56 PM UTC · edited

63
Mission_Figs•

I don't know if it was intentional or not but i really like the sort of metamorphosis that's implied through the "And the personality you loved so dearly is no longer mine" and then the "souls are forever butterflies". It's sort of saying how like change isn't always for the better, you know?

Anyway I don't know much about poetry but I liked it! And nice assonant rhyme on the ends there!

2
philomexa•

this is a nice sentiment, but its a bit wordy and verges on messy.

for example, 'dearly' doesn't need the adjective suffix of -ly.

another example, "are not all a big lie" the article 'a' is unnecessary.

Also, "valleys of my demise", a striking image, but how does it add to the rest of the poem? what does it mean, and how does it relate to central image of butterflies?

Little things like that can clutter up a poem and take away from its impact.

Overall this was sweet, I think another revision would make it stellar.

2
CR3EPS•

I found the first half of this a bit wordy and confusing with regard to your imagery. However, the second half really has something, and I quite enjoyed the four lines. Some ideas and thoughts to clean up the first four lines and make this more "complete":

  • Try walk or run instead of swim in the first line
  • I'm not sure what the second line has to do with the overall theme of this. It's a nice idea, but doesn't feel like it fits.
  • Perhaps, in the fourth line, the narrator should only claim their soul. After all, do we really own our name after we die, or is it owned by those who remember us?

Anyway, just some thoughts. With some work, this could be really good all the way through.

2