Source
r/AskMen•
Solid308

How did you stop being "the quiet type?"

27 year old guy here. I tend to stay pretty quiet at work and only focus on my job. This usually leads to people acting off put by my presence and a general feeling of uptightness. I haven't had a friend since maybe junior year of high school so I don't really know how to associate with other guys. I have a wife, but that's just not the same as Male bonding.

I hate always being so quiet and being the awkward weird dude. When I do get recognized and interaction starts I'm usually overly excited and may come off as completely fake which then keeps me in a loop of never being able to make lasting friendships.

How did you break your quietness and become a more well rounded and grounded man?

Posted May 1, 2019, 7:03 PM UTC

14681
Trigger93The Manliest Man•

Surrounded myself by people who aren't assholes who belittled me all the time.

201
Solid308OP•

How did you find those people?

42
Trigger93The Manliest Man•

Left high school, joined a fraternity. Stayed away from family.

55
LeftistRedneckBane•

While I understand the concept of joining a frat and fucking off from your family to AVOID assholes, I'm not sure other folks here would.

Huzzah to damage.

30
Trigger93The Manliest Man•

A lot of people have poor opinions of fraternities.

But only because the worst of them make the news.

My group is full of dnd/MTG/LoL/WoW players. A lot of engineering students/nerds.

42
Uphoria•

Seek them out. Social ties are hard to find, like a good partner, but you have your life to be selective. Hone in on your passions, find things you can talk about for hours and enjoy, and start seeking out similar people. search for social groups, gatherings, and places that match your passions. Often the people you meet will be open to talk since its a social environment.

Secondly, don't settle for friends of convenience. You go to school and make friends out of the 30 kids in your class. You go to a job and make friends out of the 20 odd coworkers that work near you. You have the church youth groups, the summer camps, etc. All groups you may end up settling for the most "ok" friend you can get.

Take the time to seek out people who both share your passions, and don't belittle you for your differences. You deserve good friends, no one deserves to feel like a 3rd wheel in their own life. Often being the quiet type is a feeling that manifests from not wanting to rock the boat since you don't feel you truly belong. Don't let yourself feel this way.

Rock the boat. Find out who truly supports you. speak your mind, make friends, make "enemies". Nothing compares to the friends you make who let you do this and don't judge you for it. Being able to be yourself without having to worry if your friends will care means actually having friends. You will bloom from there as you realize that its great to be yourself and be accepted for who you are. A great piece of advice I've heard on reddit: be careful what you accept from people, you're teaching them how to treat you. A big part of being a friend of convenience is just acce

Lastly: it will take time. Don't expect to go to a single meet and greet and walk away with best friends. You need to feel people out, make social engagements happen, and put in a lot of energy. No one becomes better by just cruising through life and waiting for it to happen. Building social ties is one of these things. Be ready to be exhausted, to feel socially spent, and to lose some friends, maybe in ugly ways. The journey is hard, but when you start to get over the hump you will feel great, and you will have the ability to keep it going from then on.

TLDR - Don't accept people as friends that don't build you up and share your passions. Friends should stand for each other. Don't let others walk over you and belittle you so that you can have someone to interact with, you'll be miserable with it for life. Spent the time and energy to seek out real friends by being selective and respecting yourself, and only calling those that respect you friend.

19
Fleamon•

This is a really great comment. Thanks for sharing.

1
UncoolSlicedBread•

Why don’t you and your wife go to events around town and try to strike up conversations with people. Is your wife more outgoing than you?

2
Captainbeesoncoolest dude around•

Ah so fake friends

2
supersaiyantren•

Heyheyheeeeeeeeey, we have a winner!

1
ChickenXing•

Introvert here. You don't stop being the quiet type. You embrace your introversion and awkwardness and stop taking it so personally when people call you on how quiet you are. Be you and don't stop being you.

r/Introvert can also help

40
d33pwint3r•

Literally everyone: You don't talk a lot

Me: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

29
SirWilliamSausage•

Not really. I used to be an intorvert, but later I've learned that it was because of my social anxiety. I've quickly realised that I'm seeking people's attention and thanks to slowly fighting with my fears, I've stopped being the quiet type.

16
Uphoria•

I used to be an intorvert, but later I've learned that it was because of my social anxiety.

I've got GAD and I 100% believe that many "introverts" are anxiety sufferers who cope by just pretending to hate socializing. I used to be extremely outgoing before it settled in hard, and I tried to be an "introvert" and all it did was spiral me in loneliness and depression. Took a bit of counseling to see past my fear of interaction and rejection etc to understand I loved being around people, I just hated the constant fears.

20
Rorstaway•

There is certainly a fine line.

4
JustAnotherDude1990•

Find a hobby. Mountain biking in groups. Indoor climbing. Anything like that just to expose you more and force you to communicate with others.

39
PaulClifford•

Hey man, I know what this was like. I think the best thing I can say is that the more you put yourself in group situations, the more comfortable you'll feel. It can take a while, but you'll get there. And when you refer to yourself as "the awkward weird dude," remember that other people don't think of you that way. If you're in situations where you're doing things you enjoy, whatever they are, you'll meet people. It actually unavoidable. The more you do this, the less often you'll get overly excited. Remember though that it's about meeting new people, which is not the same as finding a friend. But the more people you meet, the more likely it is that one of those people will *become* a friend. If you have a regular activity, you'll regularly see the same people. The more you see them, the more you'll feel comfortable with them. When you're comfortable, you'll talk to them without being overly excited. And that's how it starts.

30
s-c•

Start taking more risks and leaving your comfort zone. If you’re experience unpleasant reaction to your behavior, try to reflect on why. You touched a little bit on being overexcited. Maybe then try again but tone it down. There’s no immediate answer but adjusting your social behavior over time and thinking about exactly what you want to achieve will help.

16
lovepig1337•

Agreed. When I started taking more social risk it was hard. After a while the same social interactions didn't feel risky anymore.

4
pajamakitten•

I didn't. I just realised it wasn't a crime and embraced it. I found people who liked me for me and appreciated that I listened to them.

11
joethomp•

Show an interest in other poeple's lives. I can turn it off or on. Probably means I'm a robot.

6
Judo_pup•

The problem isn't that you're the quiet type...people just can't get a read on you. Some don't care, some kinda like it, some react negatively. Try just being a *little* more open and "honest" with people. I put "honest" in quotes because you're not being really "dishonest" it's more of a, you have this invisible wall, kind of thing.

6
mylizardhatesyou•

I embraced it and got used to being alone

5
CanineRezQ•

The "quiet" type. I'm a middle child with 2 older and 1 younger brother, I always just sat and kept quiet. As I got older, I kept to myself a majority of the time, few friends and more of a introvert even though I was also a athlete in HS and College. I'm 50 now and in the last 10-15 years, I'd say I'm more outspoken. Not in a brash or arrogant way, but if I see bullshit, I'm calling it out as bullshit. I won't go out of my way to insult or hurt anyone, but if you're a asshole, I'm going to have a word with you.

4
AestheticArch•

The last part is me. After being like this for long time. How do you really feel? Do you regret on something that you could’ve done and changed you to better version of yourself?

1
CanineRezQ•

I don't regret anything in particular, I just think that after a while, you get tired of the nonsense in life and the people that instigate it.

1
mustang6172•

I didn't. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

3
Liverman102•

Stop fapping you'll find yourself being more social naturally.

2†
Solid308OP•

This actually has helped a lot.

1
webbaar•

I used to be "the quiet type" and pretty shy. What I learned is there is something to be said got the phrase "fake it till you make it". I just observed how other people would interact with each other. I'd try some of their characteristics and behaviors until I found out what worked best to interact with certain people.

2
TheFlawsofPhysics•

Hi. In my opinion, breaking "quietness" comes from having confidence. Confidence allows you to speak up AND not get freakishly excited when you connect with someone. A great way to build confidence is to ask people open-ended questions and LISTEN to their answers. Choose the question based on how well you know the person you're asking. You can plan out and practice this. If there's a recurring situation where you feel like you're being quiet, you can plan out a question to ask. It can be the same boring question, such as "how was your weekend", and you just build from there.

2
Colorado_Vizsla•

A couple suggestions from my personal experience:

  1. Move somewhere where you don't know anyone and go to social settings. For me this was taking my dog to breweries and dog parks. This helped me learn to respond to casual conversation and in turn, learn how other people start casual conversation.

  2. Become proficient in something (like something at work) so that people seek you out. And when you do this, be humble. Don't be arrogant. Remember how grateful it feels when other people have helped you out when you felt you were at a dead end. This kind of experience will leave the people you help with a good impression of you and can open the door to conversation and friendship.

2
Sad__Knight•

Gain self-confidence from whatever works for you. Be friendly to as many people as you can. It takes practice but you'll get better at small talk and you'll be more comfortable around people. Having life experience and knowledge about the world will give you content to talk about and, eventually, you'll always have something to say.

2
sirmav♂•

The issue is idk where to start

1
mylittlejabroni1•

Start with people who are nice and maybe in the same situation as you. Look for people who are by themselves. Who aren't good looking and who are timid. Be confident and yourself with them. Start there.

1
Kittenlover227•

I date an extrovert.

She does enough talking for both of us, to the point where people just think I'm super smart, calm, and fun to be around.

1
Solid308OP•

Lol my wife is am extrovert. A bubbly and smiley elementary school teacher. I'm the quiet guy who PC games, works out, and cooks us dinner. Lol. Good times!

1
JaraCimrmanMale•

You be you. You can be quiet, maybe smile more so people know you appreciate their presence?

1
TheSiphonMale•

Unfortunately, I never stopped being the quiet type.

1