Source
r/OCPoetry•
Not_a_Thumb

Longing

Feedback Received!

I’m having trouble with the formatting. Stanzas are each four lines long.

                                           -

My mind, it screams.

My stomach, it shivers.

My heart, it yearns.

My hope, it withers.

My mouth, it opens,

But no sound it made.

Oh when, can I

Tear off this facade.

The weight on my shoulders

Is dragging me down.

My feet feel like boulders

As I start to drown.

Of what I’ve become,

I’m fully aware.

Something that was only

In my nightmares.

Am I even alive?

Surely, I can’t be.

I look in the mirror.

Is this the real me?

In anger I could

Tear myself limb from limb.

But each day I sit down

And I hide away him.

If only I could

Get rid of this pain.

Maybe I’ll just

Step in front of a train.

If given the chance,

I don’t know that I could.

But what if I could?

I’m scared that I would.

There is no need.

For you to worry.

I’ve talked to death.

He’s in no hurry.

My only fear

Is I’ll waste my life.

Dealing with all

This internal strife.

I know there are people

Watching all of my actions,

But when I start trying,

I lose all of my traction.

My feet slip and slide

And so does my mind.

Motivation has left me.

And hope I won’t find.

1.) https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/bletig/poetry_my_exploration_of_me/emnzp0l/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app

2.) https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ble3tw/prayer/emnz6g1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app

Edit: hello everyone! Thanks for all of the feedback. I really do appreciate it. I have been replying to a few people in the comments, and I wanted to say sorry. I’ve been getting frustrated with some of the feedback, and that’s completely on me. Sorry about that. I’m sure you can all understand as fellow writers and readers that it can be frustrating to have something you really like be criticized. I would say about 95% of the feedback has been very constructive (a few comments were short, negative, and unhelpful). My frustration was completely unnecessary and I’m not gonna try to make excuses. Sorry. Keep the feedback coming.

Posted May 7, 2019, 1:46 AM UTC · edited

3229
drchicken0007•

I think there is no need for stanzas in this poem as it is in continuity. Very well written, though a bit too long. You could have caught the essence of it in fewer words. Try to reduce it a little bit. I really like the last bit.

7
Casual_Gangster•

I’m gonna be a bit harsher on you only because I (have a kind heart) want you to improve as a writer. Hopefully this serves as a push in the right direction. (whatever the “right” direction even means)

I’m going to tackle the following: rhyme, syntax, cliche, imagery, formatting, and content.

First off let’s take a look at rhyme and a bit of syntax. You seem to follow a “abcb” rhyme structure. In a few places like the last stanza you deviate with near rhymes like “slide” and “mind” in the first two lines of a quatrain. In others oh rhyme “could” and “would” for the last three lines of a quatrain. Sometimes your rhymes don’t even rhyme. For example, “facade” and “made” in the second quatrain don’t even come close to sounding similar. Most of the rhyming is what is referred to as a strong rhyme. “Mind”/“find” “action”/“traction” For some of your rhymes you twist the syntax of the line. For example “no sound it made” or “and hope I won’t find”. This technique is very awkward and archaic. Most of the rhymes you use are either simplistic and don’t add emphasis to any important words. They fell forced as heck. As a result the structure feels sloppy.

Next let’s look at form. You use quatrains. (or meant to use quatrains) I think quatrains should be killed. Throw them in a bag into the ocean teid down with a slab of concrete. Try to be more innovative with your rhyme structure. Look up Marianne Moore.

Next let’s take a look at cliche. There are a bunch of “sore thumbs” in the text. Poets ought to be creative. Don’t reuse words someone else said!!!!! Here are some examples in your poem: “slip and slide” “lose my traction” “internal strife” “in no hurry” “is no need” “step in front of a train” “if given the chance” “look in the mirror” “dragging me down” “feet like boulders” “my mind, it screams” The line about talking to death isn’t an obvious cliche, but I’ve read sooo many poems that say something similar.

From cliches, let’s talk about imagery. THERE ARE NEARLY NO INTERESTING IMAGES IN THIS POEM. The only concrete thing is opening your mouth I think. Poems and ideas are based off of things, tangible, concrete things or actions. Your poem needs to move and be seen.

Content. I didn’t find much substance. It sounds like you are trying to talk about anxiety or depression and how it effects you. I would take that “sentiment” and try to bring it to life with a specific moment, image or action. I would suggest to scrap this attempt and try again. This time focus on being specific on what you want to say to reader. However, don’t say that! Let your reader come to thst conclusion from grappling and reading your text.

Thank you for your time reading this feedback. I hope it helps somewhat. Keep writing, keep reading, keep posting.

6
Not_a_ThumbOP•

I appreciate the feedback very much. However, I would like to clarify a few things.

First, as I answered in another comment earlier today, I did not realize that “facade” was pronounced the way it is. While I knew what I meant, I also assumed I knew how it was pronounced. So that one was my bad. Also, I the slant rhymes, (to me) kind of represent how the narrator keeps tripping throughout the poem, as they sink farther into their insane mind.

About the cliches, I also hate them. I only used quatrains because I started writing out some things that I felt and it was in quatrain form, and I don’t like changing my work, as it feels like it becomes less meaningful to me. The way I see it, if I sacrifice the meaning of my writing to format it better, or to make it rhyme, then it is no longer meaningful to me, and is pointless.

Also about the cliches: the way that I write is I just start writing whatever I think of feel, and it sometimes starts to line up. While it may not be the most effective or efficient way to write, it helps to keep me original. The reason that it can sometimes seem cliche is because we have all heard those things many times, and they can be in our subconscious thoughts. So some of these things may seem cliche, but I can assure you that I wrote all of these thins from my own ideas. I’ll just say great minds think alike.

One major thing that I disagree with is that you said, “Poems are based off of tangible, concrete things.” This is not true for every poem. While you may enjoy poems like that more, it does not mean poems like this are not poems.

I think the lack of substance is due to the topic of the poem. It was supposed to be about how the narrator feels or what races through their mind while trying to sleep, although others may interpret it differently.

Once again, thank you for the feedback. I know I will make many mistakes throughout my writings. Hope I clarified a few of your observations.

1
Greenhouse_Gangster•

Not gonna reiterate my fellow gangster's comments but I will say that I believe his criticisms are well placed.

If rhyme is something that is a barrier to meaning why have it at all? It's mostly distracting here IMO (especially with the facade slip-up).

I question your comment on your originality being sometimes cliched -- seems paradoxical no? It's as if you are averse to putting in the effort to rehab a piece and are merely justifying laziness as if there's more Value when there's less effort given in the editing phase -- which makes no sense to me.

Also: although to say that this piece isn't a "poem" is wrong, we can point to poems that are more readily accepted as successful mostly all having interesting ideas and usually tight imagery. This poem IMO needs some work in that respect.

2
Not_a_ThumbOP•

I absolutely agree that the poem needs some work. There’s no doubt about that. I think that I may have not done a good job of explaining what I meant in my previous reply. What I was trying to say was that I wasn’t trying to be cliche with my phrases, and that I was simply writing what came to mind.

However, I will stand by what I said in that I feel by sacrificing meaning to create a better flow or format, the true meaning of the words are lost.

Thanks for the feedback!

1
Greenhouse_Gangster•

However, I will stand by what I said in that I feel by sacrificing meaning to create a better flow or format, the true meaning of the words are lost.

Right I get that, and that's something I also believe (to some extent, form matters in strictly formal works), but if the words are chosen in the first place to fit the flow (rhyme) then this doesn't make sense -- you can either have one thing or the other, a meaning sacrifice, in your words, or a formal one; this middle-of-the-road attitude is not working IMO. Why not drop the rhyme entirely throughout the whole piece and see if your meaning develops better? What's the rhyme doing if not just hindering the poem?

2
Dotsonmac•

I disagree, it appears long but once I started reading it, it was as if began to read it self. It had a very self evident rhythm. I especially enjoined the lines about "I spoke to death he's in no hurry"

Good job!

2
[deleted]•

[removed]

2
dollyofthevalley•

The weight on my shoulders

Is dragging me down.

My feet feel like boulders

As I start to drown.

​

I really liked this part. The shoulder weight pushing, as well as the boulders pulling means from both sides this person is being plagued, it gives a sense of being surrounded. The first two lines in themself is something you could have written but the next two lines sort of expand on it. Good work!

2
lemonz13•

I disagree with it being too long.

It has a great flow with it and you don't even noticed the length.

"I’ve talked to death.

He’s in no hurry."

Absolutely love this stanza. Believe all of us feel such a way at one point in time, but you put this image in my head when I read this of someone just grabbing coffee with death and chatting about when its time to go, only to get some easy to your mind that he is in no hurry and asked for a top off of his cup of Joe then turns to you and ask how work is going.
Other stanza that really stands out to me is:

"My feet slip and slide

And so does my mind.

Motivation has left me.

And hope I won’t find."

This.. extremely relatable and well put. I like the image you paint of the struggle when it comes to motivation and how it comes and goes.

Well done over all.

2
mattfloyd•

I just want to point out that "made" and "facade" do not rhyme. Was that your intention?

2
Not_a_ThumbOP•

Not really. Honestly I just assumed they did. I don’t really think it affects the poem. I knew what the word meant, and the inconsistency in the rhyming kind of even adds to the struggle in the poem.

2
skill-seeker•

This is a good read and I could relate. I like how the rhythm is simple yet refined. Thanks OP. Good job.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
yamax87•

I like the general theme, but feel that the rhyming felt forced in places. Eg "I feel I've wasted all my life / Dealing with this Internal strife". If you definitely want to rhyme this piece, then I find that it's best to leave the harder-hitting line of each couplet till last; I feel the two lines could be swapped around here for better effect.

Also, I try to use alliteration to emphasize key messages (eg ("struggling with strife" rather than "dealing with strife").

Not a bad piece. Give the above stuff a go and see if you can make it even better :)

1
BigolKitties•

First off, I liked it a lot. There were some pacing issues for me and it could just be the way my brain read it. I really enjoyed the lines where you used would twice. At first I was hesitant because I am not a fan of that but it worked really well and I could relate to a lot of parts in the poem.

1
generationnotzzz•

lovely connections between thes emotions one associates with these body parts and the verbs. I get a strong sense of empathy throughout the poem with the narrator. I'm not sure about question yourself, sounds a bit peculiar. Internal strife is awesome. action and traction is a sexy rhyme. I think the ending comes a bit soon.

1
Not_a_ThumbOP•

I agree that the ending was a bit forced. I felt like I wanted to write more, but I decided that it fit the theme of a looming end that could come out of nowhere. It could have been better, but I was satisfied.

2
D347H7H3K1D•

nice (y), i could relate all words, specially i like these 3 parts:

" Of what I’ve become,

I’m fully aware.

Something that was only

In my nightmares.

Am I even alive?

Surely, I can’t be.

I look in the mirror.

Is this the real me?

In anger I could

Tear myself limb from limb.

But each day I sit down

And I hide away him."

" There is no need.

For you to worry.

I’ve talked to death.

He’s in no hurry."

" Motivation has left me.

And hope I won’t find."

i thought i could describe this to myself, but then i felt like this is the description.. nice work..

1
beavendetta•

You have written it well my friend. The flow is really good and as someone else said earlier, it starts to read itself. Plus I could relate to the words which made it even better for me.

1
youngANDbitter•

I just love how short each line is and that you really fleshed out the idea so the reader knows exactly what's going on and how you feel

1
iss3•

I love this. It flowed really well, and you really opened up yourself in this one. The only thing that put me off was "something that was only" "in my nightmares", as it broke the rhyme a bit. Maybe "The embodiment of" "My worst nightmare" would land it better. Great writing, keep it up!

1
Notsomekid14•

Well it was a bit too long for me to consider reading. Try breaking down what you feel or say and simplify it to its core.

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