In the caverns below
And the groves above
May your hearts grow
And release your love
No diamond shines truly
Without reflection
Sharpen and shine
In a new direction
Strive for, but don't expect perfection
Together as one
Through affection
Posted May 8, 2019, 1:44 PM UTC · edited
Hey, there is a consistent rhyme flow starting in the middle of the poem that lasts until the end. The beginning lacks that, and that's fine, but it does make it feel like two different poems.
I found the one comma stood out too much, since there wasn't any other punctuation. Maybe leave it out? I'm currently playing with very little to no punctuation myself, so I don't mind its absence. But if it is just the one and it isn't absolutely necessary, it might draw too much attention to itself.
Thank you, I definitely think the beginning needs some work to flow better, I'm going to have a look at it! The comma has been purged, good call :)
"No diamond shines truly without reflection." I need to tape that onto my forehead. A thoughtful and well-crafted line. But does it fit the theme of the poem? Though I love it immensely, I think the image is discordant (lol) with the rest of the poem. Try reading the poem without it. I think it you may agree. Or, maybe not, that's up to you, but please, please write another poem around the diamond. Happy writing.
Hey, thank you very much for your feedback! I changed it around a little, I think now it makes a little more sense in that context :) Appriciate it. Edit: (It's my favorite line too) ;)
YEEEEEESSSSSS! "Sharpen and shine". Love it. But I ask you, I plead with you - carry that line forward into another poem. It is just that sweet.
Haha, thanks again! I'll see what I can do with it!
A very rhythmic journey, one that gives me some form of hope, and I like that. I did feel when I finished, that I had something to take away from here. It is an impactful piece-simple, but meaningful.
Thank you - happy to hear you say that. Hope is exactly the primary feeling I wanted to convey writing this!
The line “sharpen” kinda starts the beginning of where I feel the poem falls of, I get what your going for and I love the rhyming scheme! I just wish that the short spaces weren’t short, give me some more context as to what you want to portray exactly, I feel like it needs to be more personal.
This is a diamond right here. The interior rhymes and rhythm...
Oh my goodness, it's just so satisfying to read. And the message is so beautiful and clean. It's rare for me to find such a happy poem, especially one about successful and loving relationships.
I don't have any real criticism... The title of the poem led me to believe the poem was going to be negative. Discord is like the evil form of Randomness in my mind. The opposite of serendipity. Maybe think about the title a little?
I really enjoyed this. Thank you so much for the share.
Thank you; I suppose the title implies evil won't go away! Or disagreements won't, at the very least. Strive for, but don't expect perfection. ;) Thank you so much, I'm happy you liked it!