Source
r/OCPoetry•
deathcabforcass

I'm Just a Pretty Little Thing (Title is a work in progress; I could use suggestions)

Feedback Received!

You look at me and all you see is the gloss on my lips, or the shine of my hair.

You see the pretty pink of my nail polish

(you think of the prettier pink between my thighs)

You see the bracelets on my wrists and imagine cuffs there instead.

​

You see the straps of my bra.

You look for the shape of my panties through my clothes.

You wonder if I’m wearing any.

You think they see a flirtatious smile (you don’t)

You try to talk to me (please don’t)

​

You don’t see the way I flinch from your reaching hands,

You don’t hear my rejection to your offers of a “good time”.

You see desire where anyone else would see fear.

You don’t know my name- you don’t care.

You see a pretty face and

a place

to bury your favorite body part.

​

I’m not a person, I’m just something warm for you to use and then forget about.

​

​

Link 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cujt2h/green_polo_tshirt/ey3em21?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Link 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/cudnz4/ok_i_overreacted_but/ey3h4gd?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

Posted Aug 25, 2019, 8:22 PM UTC · edited

1318
poetsnaps•

I’m an amateur, but this is my take. This is a beautiful piece about how women are objectified. To reflect that, your vocabulary should add to that imagery.

I.E. “They look for the shape of my panties through my clothes”

Changing “shape” to “price” paints how men commodify sex and look to pursue it, and adds some alliteration.

Also, there’s power in confrontation. Consider changing your pronouns from “They” to “You”. This poem was worth the read 👍🏽

5
[deleted]•

Your validity in my poem made me realize how afraid I was to share this, and how cathartic it was that someone shared my point of view-- it made me cry lol. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, it really meant more to me than I can convey.

Using "you" drastically changes the feel and sheds light on the poem in a whole new way! It forces the reader to truly take responsibility- I never would have thought to do this, thank you!

2
poetsnaps•

I’m very glad I could help, and much more so that you had that revelation for yourself! Poetry is an amazing tool for you to learn about yourself and grow as a person.

Sorry I couldn’t help you with your poem title though. I kinda roll the dice on those too 😅

1
[deleted]•

Haha, this happens to me more often than not; I won't realize my true feelings about something until I write about it and it's kind of like an "oh, duh!" moment.

2
SomeRandomSadGirl•

This was an amazing poem, but i really hope youre not talking about a real life experience. It shows that women dont like to be objectified and that no women should be treated as such. i dont have much to say excpet for its amazing and for all women out there to look out for themselves

2
[deleted]•

Thank you for taking the time to read this! While I've never been forced into a situation I wasn't comfortable with (thank god!), the emotions came from a real place. Unfortunately, I have dealt with a LOT of objectification and unwanted confrontation (I.E. catcalling, persistent dm's) about my looks, so it really channels my energy about those sorts of scenarios.
Everybody deserves respect, and I hope that whoever reads this thinks about how they treat others moving forward!

2
SomeRandomSadGirl•

No problem, but please please please take care.

I hope so too! One last time take care.

x

1
turtle-turtle•

This was really powerful. Thank you for sharing it.

The one line that didn't work for me as well, and kind of took me out of the poem, was this one:

They see desire where everyone else would see fear.

I'm not sure who "they" is compared to "everyone else" here - "they" feels like it could be so many people! I'd like to echo the other commenters who suggest changing "they" to "you" - and then perhaps you could change "everyone else" to a more starkly separate category. Who are the people who see you as who you really are instead of a sex object? What defines those people, as a group?

2
[deleted]•

I was hoping that, in context of the poem, the "they" (now changed to "you") was easily assumed to be the overly pushy man who only uses women, who chooses to ignore their wishes, their consent, their voice. The "everyone else" is exactly that- anyone else besides the man.

​

Thank you for taking the time to read my poem! I hope this cleared up any questions! Do you still think I should be more specific? I'm trying to keep it more general in order to appeal to a larger audience.

1
turtle-turtle•

I do still think being more specific would help - and maybe make the contrast between the bad behavior you're talking about and what good behavior is like more stark. Something like "You see desire, where civilized folk would see fear" or something like that. Does that make sense?

1
[deleted]•

Hmm, I suppose, but I'm not a fan of the way that sounds. But I guess that's my job- to make it sound good. I'll take your feedback into consideration!

I still stand by my opinion that in comparing "you" to everyone else, it naturally shows "your" behavior is bad because literally anyone else could tell "you", you're being an idiot. Ya know?

1
turtle-turtle•

Yeah that makes sense. It's your poem, please don't feel like my feedback is the only right way to do it!

1
thereader2442•

I really believe in your message and I loved the rhythms of the poem (if that makes sense). It flowed really well. I think it’s amazing and this sort of stuff needs to be acknowledged because we are more than our bodies. Sorry it’s short but I really loved the poem.

2
[deleted]•

I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for reading!

1
armadillos97•

You did an amazing job, and this poem is quite true.

2
[deleted]•

Thank you!

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
Kkoder•

This is a pretty great piece on objectification and the male gaze in general. It's always amazing how some people don't understand how predatory they come off. Instead of using the parenthesis twice for (you don't) and (please don't) consider removing the second one, I feel like it cheapens the effect of the first which was already powerful enough!

1
rsgriffin•

Title suggestion: Jolie est moi

1