this is my first time here idk if i did this right lmao

Okay um so, i wrote this a year ago, and recently found this subreddit and wanted to share for some feedback.

thank you

Thanks for sharing your poem!

The imagery in this line was really powerful.

Penetrating my heart and leaving me with a broken image of everyone and everything

On the other hand, the last line ("You leaving me with a broken heart?") felt a lot weaker. It sounds like the person the speaker is talking about was wounded much more deeply than a simple broken heart; is there another way of using imagery that you could insert here to show what went happened?

I feel like you could condense some of the language.

For example sugar coating your words, That doesn’t work anymore, Not your doll, Did you think you could play me? Who do you think you are? You are a monster, Penetrating my heart, Leaving me a broken image I loved you so much And this is what I get? A broken heart

i think there are two very powerful lines that really send home the emotions you are conveying. Lines 6 and 8. these make me feel as if you are seething with anger and the tears you shed are merely a product of the passionate hate. the tone overall was that of a final admonition to a lover or loved one, and whomever is the subject would surely feel the sting. with that said, there were also a few things that could have been better such as revising the poem before posting it (typo line 8), and a few lines come across as dialogue and not so much a standalone statement as the spacing of the lines suggest (lines 4,5,10). In conclusion, your emotions were expressed with vigor, but i feel as though only the person who you are asking the questions to will fully understand the more complex undertones of the poem. thank you for considering my criticisms and much luck composing poetry in the future!

It's a lovely poem and the sadness you feel or felt really shows. I'm no good at poetry myself so I imagine my insight isn't as useful as some others but I find the tone very relatable and the poem beautiful.

I like the descriptions, but I think the meter could be improved a bit - especially in the sixth line, which can definitely be condensed a little. Additionally, I think the emotion is a little confused - it switches between anger and sadness.

Love the emotions here. Love the language. Than you for sharing! Similar to a previous comment, maybe you want to consider condensing some of the lines. The first one, for example, could become "stop sugarcoating your words". Short, in-your-face, angry blurts would convey more anger and less patience with the addressee.

i think this definitely is something everyone can relate to in one way or another and you definitely managed to write my feelings on the topic. i personally, don’t like the structure of the poem from a reader’s perspective- the spacing between the lines and then two lines stuck together just doesn’t make sense to me. overall, a good poem with a clear message.