November 9, 2010 is the 13-year anniversary of my father's death. I really want to "celebrate" by joining him.

Hello again. I've made a few posts here on Reddit. I've been on the site for probably 8 months or so. This is my submission history

My first post on Reddit was a direct link to my website where people can listen to my original music for free. My website is Alphadeus.com. It was well-received all things considered.

I also posted my life story in AskReddit. I received a lot of comments and was directed to SuicideWatch.

I did an AMA that was poorly received, and it made me realize that Asperger's Syndrome is apparently a buzz word for assholes to pick on me. But hey, the internet, right?

I made my first post in SuicideWatch a few months ago. I wasn't really suicidal at the time, but I talked about my obsession with death.

My last post was very similar to one of my first where I ask people for advice on how to promote my music. I got a few responses and I appreciate every one of them.

Now that you know everything about me, I'm coming up to a "milestone" in my life, the 13-year anniversary of my father's death (November 9, 2010). 13 is a number I associate with myself (it's often seen as an unlucky number, and I've been unlucky my whole life), and I really want to do something to celebrate.

Best-case scenario is I buy a bottle of alcohol and drink until I pass out. I have people that I live with that would watch me to make sure I don't overdo it.

But a huge part of me wants to take the bottle and all of my pills and find an empty parking lot I can celebrate for the last time. I'm obsessed with death and dying and I think ultimately it's the best thing to do. All I'm doing is delaying the inevitable.

I didn't get much of an education. Because of my condition, I don't have too many friends. Because of these things, I have no where to turn for support and guidance. I'm basically unemployable because of various factors.

I quit every job I ever had on bad terms (10+ in 10 years). I'm 29 years old with no business or personal references. I have extremely bad dandruff. I shaved my head and it was just a disgusting thick layer of dead skin (or whatever dandruff is). I can't afford to go to a doctor.

My lower back has been fucked up since I was 18. I have a herniated disc between L4 and L5. It feels like my back is getting worse in different areas. It's making it hard to perform physical labor. I can't get an office job because the only office job I ever had I burned that bridge.

I'm broke with absolutely no clue how to fix things. At this point I feel like I'm just going to call it a life and kill myself on November 9. I mean it won't be that big of a deal, right? The only people that are going to be upset are my girlfriend and her family, but they'll get by.

I hope it happens. I deactivated my facebook, left a negative message on my livejournal and twitter, and I'm cutting all ties with everyone to make this as easy as possible.

Go to my website. There's over 30 hours of mostly original piano music, plus maybe a hundred songs I wrote since 2000. That is all I have to show for my pathetic existence.

Ugh. I don't know what's going to happen. There needs to be some kind of Christmas fucking miracle to convince me to stick around. It's all been nothing but death and bad luck, and I'm tired of being life's punching bag.