r/OCPoetry•
smari306

W a l l p a p e r

Why do you touch me like

You are trying to find the creases in my wallpaper?

Is it so you can peer at the wall behind?

You'd be surprised;

They're painted the exact color of your eyes.

​

​

​

​

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/irdcse/cigarettes/g51eheu?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ind7fs/september_is_sadder_now/g56xler?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)

Posted Sep 15, 2020, 5:58 PM UTC · edited

2316
noblesuntzu•

I like this a lot! Really cool idea. I think you could maybe make it a bit more personal if you described the color of the eyes, either just with an actual color or a personifying adjective you feel best describes that person; for example "They're painted the same violent blue as your eyes." You could also consider describing the eyes as a color that isn't usually found in eyes (red, purple, yellow, etc) as a form of symbolism, or just to make it more abstract. Just some things to consider, either way really interesting work!

3
smari306OP•

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'll tweak it some more. <3

3
opheliaonthelake•

This is so beautifully succinct. I really liked the twist at the end. It gave me yellow wallpaper vibes but a bit more empowered and self-aware. Also the description of being poked at, studied, when you are right there is so relatable to me.

When I read it it kind of turned the victimhood of being misunderstood and studied into the empowerment of telling another person who you are.

3
ParadiseEngineer•

You've got some great textural imagery in this piece - my suggestion for improvement, would be to look at where you can trim the lines and make the piece as concise as possible. This can be done by rephrasing for a lower syllable count, and looking at whether each line is pulling it's weight.

You're opening lines (L1 & L2), give us this really textural image straight away, the reader's running their hands across wallpaper almost immediately, which is a really strong start. The thing to look at here, is whether or not rephrasing can allow the lines to flow more effectively. For example:
L1 "Why do you touch me like", it could more effective here for the speaker to make a statement instead of a question. "You touch me like" - you're saving a couple of syllables, whilst making the speaker sound more certain about the subject they're broaching.

L2 "You are trying to find the creases in my wallpaper?" - the first little thing i'd pick out here, is whether or not it'd be more effective to have 'you're' instead of 'you are'? The second thing, is the phrase "trying to find", you've got a lot of space to move around here, there are millions of phrases that will serve the same function. My suggestion would be to use 'searching for'. Again, this is more a definite phrase, which will help the reader understand that the speaker is certain about their sentiment.

I've probably rambled on for a little too long, so i've roughly edited a cut back version, with some other suggestions which you might find interesting:

Wallpaper

You touch me like you’re searching
for my creases, trying to glimpse
the wall behind -
You'd be shocked;
it's the same colour as your eyes.

I hope my feedback has been helpful :)

2
smari306OP•

Hello! Thank you so much for offering such informative feedback. <3

I used

Why do you touch me like

You are trying to find

​

Because it had a sort of rhyming scheme going on there; but I was thinking I could change it to

"you're looking for the creases in my wallpaper." I could also remove the word 'chipped'.

I do like forming the line(s) as a question in my head it reads more with wonder and discovery, as though the narrator is stood there with wonder as they are being touched by the object of their affections, y'know?

What do you think?

2
[deleted]•

I personally like the question.

2
smari306OP•

Thank you for your feedback!

1
ParadiseEngineer•

From what i've seen, a lot of amateur poets (myself included) will open with a question, or a series of questions, that're focused inward as opposed to addressing the character, or the reader. I think that greater satisfaction for the reader is taken from being given, or shown an answer - this could be in the form of some action from the character the speaker is addressing, or crafting the piece to be an answer. For example, questions like this I will often include in the first rough draft of a piece, that're then later answered in the piece as a whole. It's like going to see a movie, and at the end you realise that there are some loose ends which haven't been tied up, y'know? I think that you want to be a looking for an unambiguous question and answer, with ambiguity in the details (I.e. the colour of the character's eyes). Leaving smaller details open can allow for the piece to be applicable, and relatable to a wider audience.

I say this all, based mostly on my own stylistic choices. I try in my own work to make the speaker sound as definite as possible, as a way of trying to convice the reader of the speaker's authenticity - then again, my own poems can be a bit out-there :)

2
reginapinsley•

Incredibly beautiful imagery!

I felt it at a deeply personal level. When someone is vulnerable with you, it helps you be vulnerable with them and I think this poem did a great job of reminding me of a certain partner with whom I shared the level of comfort where I could let them "peer at the wall behind", and in the process of doing so, we realized our vulnerabilities weren't as alien or as obscure as we had assumed they were.

Thanks so much for this experience!

2
smari306OP•

Thank you so much for your feedback, my dear. I appreciate it very much, and I am happy to know that you found it an experience worth having. <3

1
Random_36912•

Contrary to what another user said I love that you left out the color of their eyes. You can make this poem mean so many different things because of it. Let's say the eyes were green, I imagine the subject's body in a river with algae and plants attached to the body. Or if they were brown that the subject was buried and decomposing. This adds an element of horror and pain to a subject I assume is personal. It mystifies it in a way that shows you truly are thoughtful with your words.

2
smari306OP•

Thank you so much for your feedback; I definitely wanted to keep the actual color of the eyes unspecified. It's whatever you see in your own mind's eye.

1
aaronthecameraguy•

Short and to the point, I enjoy that you can be so clear about a feeling in so few words, I wonder how people like you do it! well done.

2
smari306OP•

Thank you kindly for your feedback! <3 I appreciate it very much. :)

1
Atoki7•

that is a very good piece! if looked at in a more. deep way, like what i think could be another meaning is the conflict between interior and exterior image of yourself. Like, the wallpaper is us being confident and the creases are what we hide, usually.

That is what i think, anyway.

2
smari306OP•

Thank you for your feedback! It's much appreciated. There is definitely a conflict here that I wanted to portray. Wallpaper is a an exterior to our painted faces, if you like.

2