[2703] City of Silt - Alternate Chapter 1 - Revision 1

Howdy RDW,

This week I'd like to submit an alternate first chapter for City of Silt. Read Only, Commentable

Based on the critiques, I decided that the last submission wasn't the right way to open this weird noir detective story - I was biting off more than I could chew.

I've had a productive weekend re-working an earlier draft of a different way to open this story. I've done my best to incorporate feedback about tone, style and dialogue from the last round of critiques.

Sizzle:

Detective Inspector Robert Townsend is looking forward to early retirement. But that's spoiled when he's handed one headache of a case - a murder that shouldn't be possible. As he unravels this impossible murder, he discovers it's connected to a decade-old hit-and-run, one that he investigated.

And he asks himself - 'Did I let someone get away with murder?'Townsend tries to understand where he went wrong, and to put it right in the time he has left. But not everyone in the city wants to remember, and not everyone wants him to succeed. There are powerful people in Jabransk who'd prefer their past to stay buried - and some who'll kill to keep it that way.

Specific Feedback I'd Like:

I'll take anything you like, but I have some specific reservations about the chapter I'd especially value input on.

- The opening. I like the first line, but I think I'm just being sentimental. Is the opening equally as strong, or stronger, without it?

- The ending. Does it land right? I'll spoiler what I'm trying to achieve, in case you want to read it first.

!The shoe indicates that the two discovery sites are incontrovertibly linked. Townsend has already outlined how, based on his evidence, the sites are not linked. How is a question we're going to get into, but for now is the paradox clear? I like leaving the evidence hanging, with a promise of more to come, but I also think I could reenforce how this discovery doesn't match Townsend's timeline right at the end.!<

- Townsend's old beat and getting lost. Does it slow the story down too much? Do I need to get to the body faster I think the sequence has its own merits, and I'm loathe to cut the encounter with the ragman because >! the first twist in the case is those aren't just any old clothes in the phonebox. I need to start establishing what a ragman is and their physical properties, else nothing that follows shall seem wonderous. I put it here because I want to put the idea of walking clothes in the reader's head before the timeline inconsistency comes up, to lead the reader towards thinking ok, well the clothes obviously walked themselves, putting them a conceptual step ahead of the detective.!<

Thankyou in advance, I look forward to reading your critique.

Critiques:

[2215] [1124]