Source
r/OCPoetry•
fake_kvlt

I do not look at my body anymore

I do not look at my body anymore.

I do not look at my body anymore. That is not to say that I do not know it - I am as familiar with it as most people in possession of a body are. I know the curve of my jaw; the crooked arch of my spine; the spines of my knuckles and the bones of my wrists. I see it in the mirror and in the glass of store windows and in the ripples of a puddle in the sunlight. I feel with hands I no longer control: they wrap around my waist to make sure that their fingers can touch; they dig themselves into the dip of my collarbone to feel the strenght of the bone; they brush transiently over each ridge of my ribs and press into the valleys between them. I have mapped every inch of it and placed the charts deep in my memory, and yet-

I do not think of my body anymore. I step gingerly on a scale with pockets stuffed full of batteries and a litre of water bulging in my stomach, and the number reads 104 pounds. Barely underweight - by a mere .1 on the body mass index. Perfectly normal. Perfectly conventional. My head feels light and the air is fuzzy and I haven't eaten for a day. I forgot. My hands tremble. I do not know if it is from hunger or from relief. I do not think about eating often, for I often forget that it is something I must do. The ache in my stomach is normal and the discomfort comes when the void is filled. The comfort is in the quiet and the emptiness and the absence of-

I do not live in my body anymore. It burned out long ago and was replaced with an automaton, following a routine it cannot understand. I eat as much as I want now - I simply don't know how to want to eat anything anymore. I smile when people compliment my body now - "Oh, you're so slim! If only my body looked like that!" - and I say that I must just be lucky that I naturally am that way.

And lucky I know I am. How delightful it is to think so little and feel such comfort! I know that if I think at all, my facade of flesh and being will crumble under the screaming fear caged in my skull. So I don't.

feedback 1 feedback 2

Posted Sep 22, 2021, 10:51 AM UTC

4710
venuswtf•

This is possibly my favorite type of poem. I love the repetition and the tilt in emotions half way through. Beautiful writing!!

5
alfonsoe1234•

This is really beautifully written, and I hope you find solace and peace with your body in the world.

2
fake_kvltOP•

thank you! I'm getting there, I think!

1
Azelius•

Loved the “I do not think of my body anymore” transition. “I do not live in my body anymore” is a very powerful line as well. This was an emotional read, thank you for sharing something so personal.

2
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1
GhostBaltic•

Beautiful and truly moving

1
katcheyy•

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed reading this poem. I especially like the descriptions of how you mapped your body out - I can picture doing the same in mine.

1
Greybunnies•

Thank you so much for posting this poem, I feel very similar about my own body and habits and it’s a freeing feeling when you read something that parallels with your own life and struggles. Also I admire you being able to talk about vulnerability, something I’m struggling with in my own work.

1
fake_kvltOP•

thank you! I definitely used to feel super awkward about writing about things that were emotionally vulnerable, but I feel like it's very cathartic to just let everything out and hope that it resonates with someone else.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
AlcertStan•

This was a hard read I had to stop the first time I read it. As I read through it again a few minutes later all I could think is “they’re just like me”. It being such a sensitive topic made it one of the best poems I’ve read so far. I loved the way you repeated “I do not look at my body anymore” twice at the beginning. Almost like you were begging yourself to and convincing yourself not at the same time. Like a prayer. And machines don’t pray. Maybe you’re a cyborg half human half machine. Maybe you’ll get an update that allows you to look at your body one day.

1