r/OCPoetry•
TheXV2

So long ago

(Appologies for the formating, still trying to work out reddit text!)

You told me that you loved me

I said I loved you too

You asked if I'd stay here

I said I'd do anything for you

(That was so long ago

Memories I hold dear

Back when I was sure

When I wasn't filled with fear)

You held me when the night fell

Safe inside your arms

You told me I belonged there

Far away from all the harm

I told you I was losing

All sense of control

You told me that you'd help me

Find my dying soul

(That was so long ago

Memories I hold dear

Back when I was sure

When I wasn't filled with fear)

You stood by me always

When the shadows came to swallow

All my hope and joy

And left me feeling hollow

So why did I give in

I listend to the pain

I went and hurt you badly

All the time spent now in vain

(That was so long ago

Memories I hold dear

Back when I was sure

When I wasn't filled with fear)

Now I sit here lonely

In my pit I sit and hide

I wish that I'd have kept you

Standing by my side

I wish that I'd have kept you

Standing by my side

Standing by my side

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ptjrwc/first_love/hdwv8rh?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/pt7hau/quarantine_introvert/hdwvj8m?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Posted Sep 23, 2021, 1:44 AM UTC

1917
theroadisthepath•

I felt the poem has feelings of hurt and regret of lost love. It's the subtle hints of self-isolation in "In my pit I sit and hide" blended with the wish to still have them here. I found the repeated verse in brackets a good addition as it alludes that fear has taken place in the void of love. Also, I like how you wrote such short verses and able create a smooth flow. Keep writing :-)

2
TheXV2OP•

I intend to improve I'm glad to see you enjoyed it, thanks for reading x!

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
WorldWarG•

This is a good one. I feel as though it speaks to idea of caring for yourself while also caring for others and when one thinks they need to do something for themselves at the moment, hindsight says otherwise. Caving to your own self-think, falling out, and realizing later what a mistake you've made.

I think some of these lines do a great job of portraying a beautiful relationship and internal struggle that by the end "I wish that I'd have kept you" really packs a punch. Like other comments the repetition of " standing by my side" really made me pause, take a sigh, and finally read the last line. Beautiful. Well done.

One suggestion, is maybe condense the Stanza that repeats through the poem. It felt as though I was getting caught up in it, when I really wanted to keep going through the poem. it could just be "memories i hold dear / when i wasnt filled with fear". That kinda keeps the meaning of the stanza and keeps the momentum going. IDK, just a suggestion, I understand if you don't want to change it for artistic purposes.

2
TheXV2OP•

Thank you for your comment, I'll take your advice on board for what I write next, I'm glad to hear it was impactful for you (:

1
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1
Jatinder_Billing•

The repetitive bracketed verses sort of amplified the faint repentance I felt in the back of my head while reading this poem , the theme is great : "Regret and lost love" . I hope many will be able to resonate with you on this one . Well done keep going .

1
TheXV2OP•

Thank you, I read some feedback from another user suggesting to tone down the repeated verses into smaller ones, it was my one decision I was umming and ahhing over, thanks for your feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed it x

1
melt_together•

I really liked the rhymes this, you broke it up well enough so it didn't get too dr suess-y. It had a rhythm. If I were to offer any constructive criticism, I'd say refrain from saying "I felt sad" and generally being too exhibition-y, it sort of feels like a description you'd need in a play. Basically show don't tell.

1
TheXV2OP•

That's very helpful, thank you for the feedback, I'll take it on board for my next poem.

2
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
TheXV2OP•

I'm glad you caught the reasoning aha, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

1
ArmoredCorndog•

Really great rythm there towards the beginning, it did slip a little towards the end though. I liked how you brought back the parenthesis part every so often, it really developed that excerpt as a whole

1
TheXV2OP•

I agree, I was more confident with my first half than my second, I wrote the poem in 30 minutes and I was happy how it turned out but I know I can do better, thanks for the feedback x

1
jayeshsays•

I don't know it is real or just poetry but I will say one thing for sure, it was full of the feeling of being broken by love, just needed a video graphic with your poetry reciting in background. Perfect.

1
TheXV2OP•

Ita 50/50. Its emotions I've felt, but the sorry told is fictional, but still one I sort or related too as I wrote it.

1
bluzzo•

Very natural, flowing rhymes. Felt like taylor swift’s “Back To December”.

1
TheXV2OP•

I'll take that as a huge compliment, gotta love Taylor x

1
Business-Ant-2756•

I like the way, you throughly explain the relation to the woman and how she seems to be more of an anchor than a human (seen from the present main characther). The main character faces the reality of the unknown future, when memorizing his past and where he is now.

The flow isn't very exciting, since I don't feel like, you're playing with the words - Making it delicate and chaotic as the character's state of mine seems to be in the present, when thinking back on his love.

1