[1993] fanfic fragment

Omg I remember my last entry here... It was terrible. I hope everyone's forgotten the cringe by now. I tried to improve!

Link: (commentable) https://docs.google.com/document/d/19Hd1nO8EZwO8lHuv4Ks-rwlACor_48V12q2JN1WA_mM

This is supposed to be the beginning of a short horror story set in the Wheel of Time (epic fantasy book series). Here, I tried to establish a grim tone for the rest of the story, introduce the inner conflict of the main character and show the interactions between him and the side characters.

The outside conflict is introduced later in the chapter (not included here).

Suggestions for critique:

My main worry is the prose. English is my second language, and it seems to me that the sentences are clunky or overly simplistic. Is it interesting/enjoyable to read? Why or why not? Honestly, I tend to overthink every little word to the point that reading the text makes me dizzy.

The dialogue. Do the characters sound natural? Can you tell each has a distinct personality? Or are they kinda same-y?

Is it clear that the main character is going mad? I tried to show the madness through erratic behavior, anger issues, paranoia, and tendency to hear voices. Can you empathize with the character? How can I make him relatable?

Thank you!

Critiques: [1059]

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