[4197 words] Akashi Reborn - First Chapter

Science Fiction/Fantasy

UPDATE: Edited in response to some critiques before. Definitely thankful for everyone below because it's looking and feeling a lot better! The Google Drive link and the MS Office Link have both been updated!

If 4197 words are too many, please at least post feedback on the first 1053! That would help me so much!

Hello! My name is Cory and today I'd like to ask help with thoughts on the first chapter of my novel, Akashi Reborn. The beginning of this book along with the first four chapters have been a five-year journey for me and I've hit a point now where I need suggestions on how to improve my writing here forward. I've tried my hardest to start media res and to balance showing and telling - I write science fiction so some amount of "telling" is required to inform the audience. However, I want to make sure to strike a good balance of enjoyable reading, comedy, gritty fantasy, and an anime-inspired feel.

Trigger Warning: Blood and puke. I just want to establish that now so if you're squeamish reading about those bodily fluids, beware.

What I'm looking for from this is the following:

Is the beginning interesting? Would you read more?
Am I telling too much?
Does the scene at the beginning do a better job of hooking you than if I would remove it? This scene and place in time aren't picked up for another two chapters because a number of things have to happen in between.
Does the opening scene do a good job of invoking the gritty fantasy I want?
Based on the progression of the story and how it feels, do you think it is appropriate to use curse words in the piece? I'm currently struggling with this due to words like "shit", "damn", and maybe even "fuck" potentially making it more difficult to market
Is the synopsis good below? Would you read this book if you read this on the back of a book?

Piece Synopsis:

When 18-year-old Azerith started his internship with the world-famous archeologist, Amirani Pramantha, he had no idea that the worlds of mythology and fairy tales were more than just stories. After touching a book brought back from one of his mentor's finds, Azerith accidentally discovers the world of Akashi. The world of Akashi fuses the spheres of magic, mythology, and science within living things to form a power possessed by all living beings. Azerith will need to learn to wield his "inner light" to defeat the Demons who have come from beyond our planet to threaten his life, all while juggling the woes of graduating high school.

Links:

Microsoft Office Online (Prefered)

Google Drive (not preferred, edited with some feedback already received. Thank you!)

(older version with some comments I wanted to preserve)

My Past Critiques:

Posted Oct 7, 2021, 8:27 PM UTC · edited

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