I just started therapy for the first time after realizing the scope of the neglect in my childhood. Has therapy helped any of you long-term? Any stories of what it has taught you and how it has affected your life?
Posted Feb 2, 2022, 4:07 PM UTC
I’m still in therapy (about 2 years, 1.5 with current T) and probably will be for a while yet. When I started therapy, I didn’t actually know I had been neglected. I thought I was just dealing with run off the mill, but worsening, depression and anxiety and desperately needed some help.
It took about 6-7 months with my current therapist before I even realized it was there (she led me very slowly to that discovery). I spend a lot of my time still invalidating myself and trying to deny that it has impacted me the way it has. That being said, even with me fighting it on every level at least 50% of the time, the 10ish months I’ve known about it and have worked on things, I have noticed a difference.
I am a little more able to feel emotion. I was so numb and so used to suppressing everything. I just thought that was my personality. And while I still don’t always like to feel emotions, I’ve had a couple experiences where I’ve been able to feel the good ones more deeply than I ever have before. Therapy has also helped me to strengthen some of my friendships and how to handle difficult situations with my family. In therapy, we are also really focusing on the core beliefs I developed because of the neglect, processing that, and hopefully can get them resolved. I’ve seen some progress there too.
I’m sure there are other benefits that I can point to if I were to think about it longer. Choosing to commit to therapy (and finding the right therapist) has been the best thing I have done for myself in a long time, maybe ever. The process has been slow at times, but I have noticed progress and I do feel like I’m on my way to a healthier place emotionally than before I started therapy.
Thanks, that's very encouraging!
Not yet. I have 2 therapists but it's mostly just people to talk to really, and the dumb thing is that I feel like I talk to them on a more shallow level than the people I've talked to in my life.
I feel like I talk to them on a more shallow level than the people I've talked to in my life.
This! I've had more vulnerable chats with roommates and my one friend than I'd be comfortable having with a random therapist I just sit in an office with. But I guess that's why it takes time to build rapport and open up. I'm impatient.
Working with a therapist on IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy as a way to heal wounded inner child parts of me.
It's been helpful.
But also it's only an hour a week. But I spend a lot of time reading books and journaling and trying to do meditations to complement it.
I went for many years thinking I was slightly off. But i incorrectly thought it had nothing really to do with my childhood specifically.
But after I started having these really deep daily panic attacks, I finally sought professional help. I was lucky to get a great referral to a therapist who specializes in and teaches college classes to Nurse Practitioners on CPTSD. The 2nd session she gently told me that I was emotionally abused throughout my childhood and adolescence. I had CPTSD. She explained it all to me in terms I understood. I was shocked! But I believed it 100%. I knew my upbringing was not nice and typical due to my mother, but never truly understood how her actions impacted me.
It’s been 3 months now and I’m already so much better. She has taught me so much on how to accept, face, release and start to heal from this trauma. I’m very grateful to her. I’m beginning to have a much better life. It does work. It’s not easy though. The work is highly emotional and can trigger allot of trauma. She is teaching me how to deal with that.
She has taught me so much on how to accept, face, release and start to heal from this trauma
Wow, that sounds great. I can do the first two. How do the second two work? Any tips?
My opinion is that in therapy, you need to fully trust your therapist. For me, this was very difficult. My mother set me up in life to distrust everyone. I don’t think this would have worked as well for me if I had any doubt about my therapists sincerest wish along with her determination to genuinely help me.
I mention this because it was key. I HAD to trust this person. A stranger really. She came highly recommended by a medical doctor I trusted, so I decided to go all in. No holding back. I’ve been very good about holding back up till now. Once I decided that, it was easier than I thought. Here was someone I could trust with all my fears, angst, shame, heartache, failure to thrive, cruel memories, etc.. you know.
So when she talked to me in that very soothing voice, I listened. I gave in. That’s not something I’ve ever truly done before. I had this 12 foot stone wall up practically all my life. But I opened the gate and let her in my garden of pain. We sat and talked. She was able to bring forth all the emotions I’ve been so desperately trying to hold back. I felt the anguish, I remembered things I’ve been trying to forget forever. But the body remembers everything. We did some hypnosis too. I was surprised that worked. But it did. Along with the bad, I was able to remember and feel some of the good as well. It involved my grandfather who was a wonderful man. Those memories helped me cope with the other memories. We do breathing exercises. But with hand placements on my heart and stomach. It was interesting to me that it was very powerful. When it got bad; we’d go just a bit further, then stop. You need to release and then stop. Afterwards I needed to rest. It’s not so bad that you’d die. But it’s difficult. But once it’s done you feel better. That’s the goal. Try it. 👍🏻
Okay, I understood that you remember a bit of the stuff, stay with the pain until it dissolves (with techniques like breathing, touching your body in the way you described) and then rest. Repeat after a few days, probably. I'll try. This is really hard.
There are books to help guide you. I haven’t read any, but you can ask in here.
All the best! 👍🏻
After multiple cycles of various problems that encompassed either becoming the identified patient and/or me failing to disclose things, I was able to finally get serious clarity around the scale of my personal abuse history. But it has been too little, too late.
Yes, but you have to go through trial and error sometimes it takes a bit to find a therapist you click with. I am a 20F and have been in and out of therapy since I was 11. Therefore, I have had many different ones.
My advice lately to myself and my friends is to find a therapist who specializes in your specific issues. After having many crappy therapist I decided to finally approach it in a different way. I found a woman who seemed to specialize more in trauma (and is trained in EMDR) versus just generalized anxiety and depression. I’ve been seeing her for a month or two now and have made more progress in this short period of time than I have in my entire life. Most therapists will do a free consultation, utilize that option and use it as an opportunity to ask how they personally approach trauma treatment. It’s okay to feel nervous and have a hard time opening up, but you’ll know off the bat if you feel comfortable and validated by that specific therapist.
Ask yourself: -Would I feel more comfortable with a male or female? -Would I feel more comfortable with someone who is younger or older? I’ve had therapists in their 30s and in their 60s and everything in between. -What am I struggling with most? ADHD/ADD, OCD, anxiety, depression, trauma, psychosis? Then find someone in network that has that listed as something they treat :) for example I looked for a focus on trauma and PTSD -Ask yourself would I prefer in person or telehealth? -Which type of therapy do I think would suit me best? DBT, CBT, EMDR, art therapy, psychodynamic, interpersonal, or maybe a mixture of things. Therapists should have this listed on their website :)
Please feel free to ask me questions. Now that I found a great therapist that I feel comfortable with I’m making great progress. Baby steps, but she actually listens to me and makes me feel heard + validated.
This is good advice.
It has helped me immensely, can't say anything else. A total of three years from diagnosis with CPTSD to a state where I am the most peaceful in my life and I almost don't qualify for the CPTSD diagnosis anymore. I have done a lot of self-therapy also, looked into alternative healing and read so many books about trauma and neglect... I would suggest you to do that also if you want to get the most out of your therapy. Nevertheless, there are things in my psyche that will never be "normal" but a big part of therapy is reaching acceptance and grow from there.
What type of in person therapy helped the most?
Mine is very educated in trauma and somatic sensing, CPTSD, hypnosis, family relationships and EMDR. Used mixed methods depending on the needs. Listened more than spoke, very soft but has strong presence, reliable, careful about attachment and speaks easily about our transference.
Thank you for replying. I keep buying books but then lose the motivation to read them so I’m going to have to find someone to see
What it taught me is to own my own experience & process. The therapists I have had haven't been very transparent in their methods & approaches. I would never spend years talking to the wall again & am quicker to identify things that don't fit for me. That said, people say their results vary a lot & it appears more effective approaches may be being developed. I say give it a fair shot, ask lots of questions, & you will know in your heart. And, we need different things at different times, so don't be afraid to explore options.
It's extremely important to find one that you 1. Trust! 2. Can be authentic with (cursing, crying, ranting) w/ no judgement and 3. Knows what the f**k they are doing. I've been in therapy for ...shit 7+ years on and off with different therapists. Truly, I didn't start making progress until I was mentally ready to do so, about 2 years ago. Since then, with the help of a very patient and caring therapist, I have made huge leaps of progress where I had previously hit a plateau. I have learned many of my triggers and come to terms with abuse that I didn't even recognize as abuse. I'm learning to love myself and respect myself enough to stand up for me. My therapist has helped me to help myself. I have come an incredibly long way from where I used to be with my anxiety, depression, and CPTSD. I still have a long way to go, but a lot of the progress I've made in the past two years I was able to make because of my therapist and her patience and guidance. If you put in the work and find a good therapist, it can be amazing, but a therapist can't do it for you. It's really hard work, it sucks. Some days you feel defeated and don't want to try. Some days you see how far ahead the road is and you feel weary. But if you keep working hard to make your life better and remember that you deserve to heal, you truly can see a difference with therapy. But more than anything, YOU are the most important factor.
I agree with others. It can take some time to find the right therapist, but once you do they can be really helpful. It took me a while to be able to open up to a stranger, but after a few, I just decided if I'm paying them, they can hear my sh*t and I'm not so shy anymore.
Also, this is not a replacement for a real therapist, but I've also found it helpful as a supplement for the days between appointments: the app Woebot. It uses CBT and DBT modules that it walks you through in an interactive way.
[deleted]
Yes, I have no idea what being truly and fully healed looks like or how close/far I may be from it, but just guessing I think I'm 75% better now after a little over a year and a half. I have to add that I really went hard on the "homework" type of stuff like journaling, meditating, reading self help, daily exercise and good diet and practicing stuff such as boundaries, exposure, self expression like speaking up for myself. Also using apps like mood meter, working on improving my sleep quality, stress reduction and making some massive changes to the company I keep around me. Actually until a couple months ago I was very antisocial while I worked on this stuff. I couldn't bare to face the world again until I was better
So the point i mean is i really committed, sometimes I would spend an hour and a half at night doing journals and meditating. So your mileage may vary in terms of timeframe especially since everyone is so different, my self worth started at absolute rock bottom. Its hard for me to imagine it being possible to have a lower self esteem when i think back on the things I let people do to me, because I learned to believe I was that worthless. Then again in stuff like CBT, some people fix their issue in a matter of weeks or months so timeframe really depends on the individual.
Maybe I still have longer to go than I think because there was a recent comment about "over the next year or more" regarding my progress, but I can't even describe how night and day it feels for me now. I mean that, in a lot of ways I can't even think of how to describe the difference, and so many things have been just subconscious changes and things I can't even put my finger on exactly, I just know its all completely different. Like if you had me side by side in a conversation with the me from 2-3 years ago it would be so apparent. But since change happens so gradually I've lost track of so many problems i used to have that are suddenly just gone... the weird part is you start to forget what it was even like, until some distant memory comes up and temporarily takes you back there
So idk what my point really is here but I can just say yes it works, it all works and I really do believe in change and improvement, although you will need to hone in on whats right for you and sometimes it takes months of something not doing anything before it does sink in. But the number one most important thing out of all of it in my opinion, is to constantly learn, practice, and apply a growth mindset! I think learning about that has been #1 for my progress and if you're not familiar with it I'd suggest doing a bit of research on it or read Carol Dwecks book or even start with her stuff in youtube. There's a neuroscience podcast I was listening to and he said the mechanism for learning and change in the brain doesn't even start on a chemical level unless you're specifically trying and looking for ways to change and learn.
So the very first thing you do is focus on that growth mindset, next is figuring out through improving your self awareness (many different ways to do this! Especially therapy because that's what they are trained for) what your root problems even are and then all of a sudden you are making progress. I made no progress or even negative progress for years before this, because I was never taught that you can change and grow, every challenge seemed like proof that I was stupid more so than the learning opportunity it actually was. And i even though i wasn't yet actually trying to, I never learned from my mistakes like I now try my best to do. Once you flick that switch, the change can begin
It has not. Saddly, which doesn't mean therapy doesn't help, so a bit of an explanation.
I saw therapist in school (highschool) but I'm discounting those because it was a few session and they never tried to do therapy.
I know I was taken to a child therapist because I was scared and had trouble sleeping. Like i really had a problem with going to sleep because i was terrified of imaginary monsters. But I wasn't really taken because of that, every memory of it i have is my mother saying that this couldn't go on because I didn't let them sleep, not because it was worrisome that a 7 yo child was so scared. I don't know how long I went there, all I now is that one day they arrived and the psychologist wasn't present and they angrily decided to not take me anymore because she was disrespectful and actually useless because all she did with me was play. I don't know ho I ended up resolving the fears but eventually i managed to sleep again but the problem never went away as whenever I'm in a very stressing situation the irrational fear pops out again and i can't sleep. Interestingly enough this fear was only present when I was alone, the moment I was with someone I calmed down.
The second time I went to therapy i was 16. I started it because I developed a sort of phobia about ending pregnant because of a situation i had had with my boyfriend and I ended even being paranoid of touching guys in general. (which in my opinion it came from my parents completely abandoning me in that situation, they prohibited i had relationships with my bf, tried to prevent me from seeing him and i just knew that if something were to happen they would be the one that would make my life a living hell and not the direct consequences of my actions).
First I tried with a psychologist I promptly dropped after two session because she kept insisting that my problem came from either me having being SA as a child (did not happen) or i was confused about my sexuality/genre (I was not). She insisted on it, and that i probably had blocked the memory and she was very unprofessional.
Second one, was a hit. Eventually I overcame that phobia and started doing therapy about more day to day issues I had. Thing is, I don't think it was the therapy that suited me best. Her approach was to help me analyze but not to guide me, sort of find the answer on your own, I'll give you a few tips, but the things was that i honestly felt that all that analysis i could already be doing at home. I had no issue knowing where my problems came from, i needed help solving them. And the other issue is I never actually told the truth about whatt was happening at my house. She was the mother of a friend of my sister's, she knew my mother personally so I just could. I told her about the mood changes, and how mean my mother was and few other things, but i never told her about the real extent of it or the more concerning stuff like the hits and the psychological and mental abuse. I feared what would happen if I did, i couldn't handle her bit believing me and if she did maybe she could be up doing something. If she did something either the authorities took me away and i lost all chances of having my future (having a decent education and going to college) or they came but didn't take me away in which case it would make my living situation even worse. So it helped with a lot of stuff but it was also a therapy done on the principle that "we can't change others feeling or their actions so what we can do is to change our reaction to those" which long term harmed me a lot. I was already changing myself for other before then but having a real therapist said that to me without any precaution convinced me that changing how i was to please others was the way to go.
All the previous ones happened i finally faced the fact that i was neglect AND abuse. I always knew my parent had things the right way, but i could never quite manage to recognize it as abuse and neglect. After i did my mental health worsened a lot and I decided to look for a therapist again, this was last year.
This therapist did not help at all. It became obvious throughout our session she did not take me seriously or that she didn't think that what had been done to me was wrong and a serious matter. She disregarded what i told her and continuously tried to defend my parents. I remember specifically a conversation in which i became impatient, since the first session i was quite clear about what the issues i wanted to treat were and about the type of therapy I wanted, but she still didn't seem to care about what I wanted. I said that I wanted to know if i had depression or any other condition. She told me to not self diagnose and to just jump to conclusions. I replied to her that i was there to not self diagnose, but to understand what actually happened to me and that is why I was asking, i was opened to me not having anything but i wanted answers, because i didn't think having wanted to una live myself for most of my teenage life was normal. She replied that "my generation had a need to put a name on everything". That is when the reality that she didn't took me seriously and she only saw me as a dumb kid sinked in. What angered me the most is that it had taken me such a long time to finally face that what had been done to me was wrong, to recognize that I harmed myself by accepting toxic behavior from anyone because i had learned it was the way to go, that to have her disregard it and diminish it like that was actually harmful.
After that i dropped therapy and decide to take a break from looking for a therapist because i didn't want to risk another experience like that. I've tried to do my own research and I found that my country is very limited when it comes to what types of therapy it offers and that the quality of therapists tends to be bad. Therapist especialized in certain areas like childhood issues are unaffordable.
I'm gonna keep looking, because i actually believe in therapy. This was my experience but it was like this because of my circumstances. So don't take it as a lesson except that if you feel uncomfortable with a therapist or notice that you don't like how they handle things you should defiantly leave.
therapy has 100% saved my life and supported me in becoming my own person outside of my parents neglect and abuse. therapy was one of the first places i felt like another adult truly believed me about my parents abuse. and tbh it’s helpful for literally anyone whether they have trauma or not
I've been to therapy but not specifically to address emotional neglect. I went for "adjustment disorder", marriage counseling, and then anxiety after a car accident. I am currently back in marriage counseling.
Each time I went, I learned to be more introspective about the things I do and how I feel. I'm not sure I have a specific example, a lot of it just took time and contemplation about myself and my own behavior. I wanted to be a better parent and a better wife and felt motivated to improve. I do have a few friends I've opened up to about things, in recent years, but when I was younger I didn't feel comfortable doing that; when I was younger I didn't even know I had "issues". I can look back and see that I was immature for my years; I got married mid-20s and between the stress of a challenging marriage and then children, and complete lack of boundaries with my mother my life was difficult.
If you aren't sure you're ready for therapy, I find self-help books to be useful. In particular, a book called "The Power of Validation". It's a parenting book, but considering I'm basically learning to parent myself it is really a great book.
It helps me in that it gives me a guaranteed release valve for venting at least 40 minutes per week, but I've struggled to find a therapist who wants to do anything but talk and just ask me about how my week went.
That is a concern for me too. In the past when I tried a therapist he barely engaged. This current time I made it clear in my intake session that I want solution-focused therapy that challenges me.
I will add a caveat that I think trauma therapy in particular tries to avoid being "challenging" and leans a lot into building a safe connection and give you validation in areas where you need it. But yeah, I'm personally asking myself whether I want to change it up recently, too. My current therapist was supposed to be that change, and then she found out about the ~*~trauma~*~ that was making it hard for me to work.
Yes it helps, but only when you’ve found the right person. I saw two other therapists before I met my current therapist. I’ve been in therapy with her for 2 years now.
I’m not going to lie, it was extremely difficult at first. I wanted to quit many times in the beginning because I was feeling worse than before I started. It was like taking off my rose-colored glasses that I didn’t even know I had on. I remembered things I didn’t realize I had forgotten. I learned that my whole family dynamic was very unhealthy, which has changed my relationship with my family members (for the better, but it was still difficult to deal with).
But, she’s gotten me to challenge my unhealthy thinking and behaviors that I learned from childhood. I hate to imagine what horrible, possibly abusive relationships I might’ve gotten myself into by now if it weren’t for her guidance. She validates my emotions and encourages me to love myself. She reminds me to prioritize myself. I treat myself a lot nicer because of therapy.
It’s nice to have someone to help you work through your emotions when you’re not used to doing so in a healthy way, or maybe you’re not used to doing it at all. I would just say maybe be prepared to be a little overwhelmed in the beginning. It was exhausting at first, but now I look forward to appointments!
Hi!
I was in therapy for a few years with the same councellor. Around 3. I was lucky with her but before I tried 2 to 3 times to have a therapist but it never helped much.
Now, in those three years I learned a lot about myself, my traumas and how to cope with things. Of course I'm still not healthy or shit, but it was a start. Then last year I webt to a daily therapy programm with various therapy types in a group setting. It went on for 2 months. It was amazing and I'm still in contact with the people of that group.
After that I told my councellor that I am now moving on from her and that I am ready to change. A therapist in this hospital leas group therapies outside of the clinic and I am now part of one of this groups. A group session is once a week. At the same time I decided to find a councellor outside of group therapy which is going to be expensive but worth it.
I learned a lot and it was very helpful but you need to be ready that sometimes things can get very intense. Working through trauma is very difficult. I will take years of therapy or will probably go for the rest of my life, simply because it's something I can't imagine living without.
Thank you for your response, that is encouraging.