Day’s today!

Poem

Day’s, today, consorts.
Lay, we have, inside and out.
Smart, loyal, armed.

Day’s, today, consorts.
Under the burning sun,
above the dated sand we wait.

Day’s, today, consorts.
The, which we’ll derail,
the fat pitch blacks, tracked.

Day’s, today, consorts.
Which we’ll win justice,
against the “Law” of the rich,
against their men,
against the cavalry!

-This isn’t a patriotic/nationalistic poem. I apologize dearly if I’ve offended anyone who has read this. It’s told from the mouth of the outlaws, in the Wild West. It’s only supposed to hit the wealthy and powerful.

Feedback 1

Feedback 2

Posted Apr 8, 2022, 9:00 AM UTC · edited

38
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

2

I really, really like this. It sounds like a rallying cry. The way you've used punctuation and sentence fragments is really effective (especially the 'The' in the third line- like the speaker is emphasizing that importance of the moment). I like that you've kept it short too, it's much more striking that way. My favourite poem i've read on here so far.

2
SirAnonymPoetOP•

Thank you so much manufacturer :) You really made my day :)

2
jpw123•

I like the idea of writing from the perspective of outlaws in the Wild West. I think there's some interesting ideas you could mine there. There's a nice rhythmic quality to this piece, it's satisfying said aloud.

I crave more of the world you're writing in, the sensory details--like who's speaking, why they want to lay waste to the wealthy, who they're addressing, where (AZ? UT? CA?), anything that can ground the reader deeper into the setting.

"Day's, today, consorts." makes for a good line opener to anchor the rhythm you've already got going on, & the last line breaks the pattern the prior lines established in an interesting way.

1
SirAnonymPoetOP•

Thank you so much jpw for the effort you put into the feedback :) I really appreciate you liking it and analyzing it so well, thank you :)

2
imascream•

i love this so much

1
SirAnonymPoetOP•

Awww, thank you :)

1
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1