I think I'm just craving for attention. And it hurts.

Previous Posts: Scared to be myself – Everyone is better than me – Update to "Scared to be myself"

Here I am again. Shoving my problems into people's faces who are resilient enought to listen to them. Sigh.

Where do I start. To completely undertand the issue, you might want to read my other posts (linked above). I'm not sure if there's anything to understand about, though.

I recently noticed that I want attention. Not in real life. Well, not as much. Or maybe I do, and I'm just scared of it. I really don't know. Let's just assume it's limited to the internet, although it probably isn't.

I recently noticed that all the things I do, or at least all the things I put work into, I do for attention. I want people to appreciate them, to respect me, to talk about me. People reading my name and actually recognizing me – and not as the crazy/dumb/depressive/whatever ponyfag guy.

This might be easier to explain with an example. I have terribly high standards and I really suffer from them. For example, when I draw, I'm never happy until everything's perfect. Even if I draw a good picture, I'm not happy about it. If I draw a picture, and a person or two like them, then that's something. If there are people out there like John Joseco whose names just have to be mentioned for people to be reminded of his amazing works, then that's something else. Nobody remembers my name. Unless I did something terrible to them.

Same goes for video games, currently SMNC. I currently play SMNC almost all day. At least almost all of my free time. I really want to get better. Why? I want people to respect me. I want some people to go "Oh no, Shikogo again" or "Yay, Shikogo, we win!" when I join a match. Not every match of course, because that would imply that I would stomp every single match, but at least every other match. And in the other matches I just want to play at a really high level with people who know me and appreciate what I do. But I'm just not good enough.

Really, really rarely, I can be happy without the appreciation of others. For example, i once drew a picture of Rarity and Prince Blueblood that barely got any attention at all. In my eyes, it was, and still is, one of the best drawings I ever made. And then there are drawings that I put very little effort into, but that still get popular for an old, stolen joke. This is very depressing, too, as the part that made it popular wasn't my idea at all.

This is putting me under an extrem pressure at everything. If I can't do things good enough for people to recognize me, they're not worth doing. But if I don't do them, I can't get better! But if I do them, I still don't get good enough. Which makes me stop them entirely out of frustration. Which is why I'm always either completely stressed out because I'm trying so hard or terribly bored because I don't have anything left to do.

This is going to a point where I can't handle it anymore. I don't know if anyone can make anything out of this, but I need help.

I feel kinda weird to come here pretty much every week with a different problem, but apart from my therapist it's the only place I can go to. Also, considering the amount of MLSG threads I have made, this account becomes less and less usable for actuall reddit activity. But I won't use a throwaway, because fuck throwaways. This way at least SOME people will recall my name. For 5 minutes.

I'll probably edit things in afterwards as I always tend to forget things, everything below this line is edited:

Update: I think a lot about if people remember me, especially if I die. Did I make enough of an impact that people will actually will remember me? At least apart from my family and one or two friends? I think after a day or two, people will just continue with their lives, and they won't even bother about what happened to me.