Stop telling women to lower their standards if you can’t meet them.
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Posted Aug 6, 2022, 6:47 AM UTC
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Telling someone to lower their standards is manipulative. Its done by a minority of people, and is not representative of the general population, like you seem to imply in your post. If you're meeting such people most of the time, i would advice to change the way you look for dates.
The only acceptable reason for saying something like this, is when the person is complaining about lack of options and the like, and you have no romantic interest in them.
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Never implied a majority of men say this. Most don’t. I see heaps of INSECURE dudes who do in fact act that way though when turned down from me.
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They're not insecure, they're manipulative. Big difference.
And apparently your way of sourcing men has a higher then normal amount of manipulative individuals. It is not reflective of the general population.
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All manipulative people are insecure. (Not all insecure people are manipulative).
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That's definitely not the case. Manipulation is a tactic used to get what you want (in this case sex or a relationship). A confident person can use it just like an insecure one. Psychopaths are a good example.
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Most don’t. But you see it a LOT online in particular. Subs like this, or really any centered around socializing and relationship dynamics are FILLED with guys who get defensive and dismissive when you suggest they but in any amount of effort into self-improvement.
The guys who are willing to put in the effort aren’t online complaining about how they are expected to put effort into themselves.
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I feel like you don’t understand that minority still means a lot. 1% of our population is still 78 million. It’s not the majority of men but it sure is common.
And I have met many wonderful men who aren’t like this. The majority isn’t, I agree. But the sheer number of men who are so unwilling to be better people, not just partners, are enough to warrant this complaint. And I don’t expect some rich dude or super model. I just want someone who respects me as my own 3 dimensional person with goals and depth. Someone who won’t flip his shit when I say I’m not in the mood. It’s not a hard ask and men call it “unreasonable”.
It’s not the majority, but it’s still too many.
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Look, all i'm saying is, she should explore other options of finding dates, since right now shes finding an abnormal amount of manipulative individuals.
If she tries other ways, chances are she won't meet people like these often, if at all.
Edit: corrected myself.
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Lol there isn’t a “better way” the distribution of these men remains the same. Also think how there is a reason these men are single. They can’t even meet basic requirements of respecting our autonomy.
Very victim blame vibes of you to say SHE has to find better men rather than understanding our frustration of running into shitty men. If they just treated us like people with thoughts and feelings we would date them.
And u can’t argue I just hate men. I’m poly and have 2 boyfriends 😂 Both would stop immediately if I just wasn’t feeling it. Both respect when I dislike something they say or do which is rude. Both care about my aspirations in life. And in turn I do all these things for them.
The good men are out there. But there isn’t anywhere women can run to hide from the trash ones. We just roll the dice, hope we don’t get raped or murdered in the process, and maybe just maybe we find a man who is kind and loving.
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Thank you.
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Lol nobody is telling women they shouldn’t expect to be treated with respect and decency. When they say lower your standards they mean you should still expect those things but from men who may not be 6 ft tall.
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You’d be surprised.
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Oddly enough at least on Reddit.. it seems like the standards are pretty low 😕 🤔 I see a lot of posts saying things like "my bf cheated and beats me... are these red flags?"
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“We accept the love we think we deserve” A lot of people will allow themselves to be disrespected/hurt because it’s what they believe is normal in their eyes. I was like that before- was only until I personally sought out therapy and worked on my own self worth when I started attracting emotionally available/not insecure ppl.
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I’ve sadly seen men and women share something along the lines of “my partner negged me or even r*ped me how can I fix this relationship” it’s sad
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If you want a man that is 6 feet has a six figure income and is handsome. And all you have to bring is your vagina. Yes I’m going to clown your entitled self every single time
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Pre-owned with three kids. Oh and she don’t cook and clean and it’s sexist to expect that when you’re earning the 6 figure salary and she stays home.
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Bitter people be bitter
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Most women have been run off of tinder with a more than 75% male profile base. I can’t speak for everyone but I don’t like being approached by strangers. When I date someone it’s a friend of a friend, coworker, or someone I met through a hobby.
Where are you trying to meet these theoretical women?
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I am a woman myself.
I too date mostly friends or someone i’ve met through a common experience, because the strongest connections have come from that.
I have been told to lower my standards or that I was being picky multiple times by men who’ve approached me randomly/ lied about wanting to be friends only to have ulterior motives after they were rejected by me.
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I am half asleep, oh god. I read ‘I can’t tell women to lower their standards if I can’t meet them.’ Imma go to bed 🫠
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LMAOOO no worries I get it. It’s like 3 am where i’m at so I should prob head to bed too.
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“theoretical women”
Sounds like an exotic particle from CERN lmao
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I'm curious. You can't just say all that without stating said standards. Now I can't sleep..
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I see unrealistic standards as “Oh this person has to be THIS weight and THIS height/own this and that” Mostly standards and expectations that are shallow… yadda yadda. But I really don’t see standards being high if someone expects good communication, full honesty, care, support, and decency- something most insecure people more often than not cannot provide.
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You can change your weight, but there no way change your height. You can maybe get a 1 or 2 cm lift by adding some plates somewhere in your leg. The other stuff are Normal expectations, so I agree with that.
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People can change their weight, but I disagree on a societal level that they have to in order to be worthy of a partner. With things that can be changed, it shouldn’t be a societal requirement if it doesn’t harm others. However, weight is something that can be a subjective individual preference so long as it’s realistic
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Not sure what you mean by societal requriement. The thing she listed should all be basic requriement.
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Damnn every single day when I read topics and discussions in this sub, I'm more happy that I chose to live alone.
I don't get why people frown at each other because they think that they have high standarts. No one has to lower their standarts just because someone told tem so. It's their choice to determine their standarts. Of course this doesn't mean that they will find someone %100 guaranteed with their high standarts but it's still their choice. Most of the people who have high standarts suffer from dissapointment or loneliness but that's their choice, let them be.
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No one is the full package.
Healthy dating is meeting someone else half way and enjoying each other's company despite the flaws.
This whole post screams insecurities. I don't see the point in perpetuating the toxic cycle of "inaccessibly high standards" by pointing the finger in such an overgeneralizing way.
YMMV.
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Ohoh...
Judge Dredd is mad:p
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straight up preach!
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You only have unrealistic standards if you are unhappily single and complain you can’t meet someone, and usually that’s men complaining about that (at least on Reddit).
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My last one from tinder was "I wish you were white" so...
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That’s just pure racism and assholery then.
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I got a guy telling me I expected perfect when I was trying to turn him down due to a lack of chemistry. He was asking for another chance because he wasn’t at his best on the first date. I was going to go ahead, against my gut feeling because I thought he might be right, but then when I didn’t answer his texts the next day because I was working (I’d filled him in on when I work) and then finally reacted to a picture he sent of him and his pet, he said he thought he was being neutered. This really pissed me off and I blocked him.
There was more to it of course but basically the problem I had is he was trying to talk me out of my standards and boundaries for who I am interested in. If there isn’t chemistry right away and they push for a kiss… and I pull away and they come back for more… that’s a dealbreaker!
1
Holy shit he really tried to push for a kiss?
So irritating that expecting more than the basic decency (like personally wanting to feel a connection) is considered perfection.
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I so agree!
I'm also sick and tired of especially on reddit reading posts about men complaining about women having more options and accusing women for getting "free" coffee, food, or they have to ask women out etc.
I believe, this comes from men who get rejected alot and without looking into their dating skills, behaviour on date/text etc. They blame the women for wanting to use them, or being too picky, having too high standard etc.
I don't understand why these men think they are entitled to any woman without any effort and hate that women have standards and expect women should just accept? When there are gentlemen out there, doing effort, not being cheap, communicating, showing affection etc. Then why should a woman who has all that (she demands) give someone a chance who won't do all that?
I also read posts about men claiming to be ugly complaining about how people jugde them based on their look, why looks matter so much, and yet they express how they want an attractive woman, like wtf. 🤦♀️
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You just took the words right out of my mouth!
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I think the problem is that the “standards” a lot of women seem to have are extremely limiting. There’s a small pool of guys who are over 6” with 100K + income. Which seems to be the minimum standard for a lot of women. Most women I meet complain that there are “no good men” out there but they are all chasing that ideal and are surprised when guys at that level are exploring their options and also have high standards themselves. And just for the record, I am 6” and earn 6 figures so I’m not saying this out of bitterness. There’s a lot of decent and successful guys I know who get no matches because they are under 6” tall. But I also agree that a man should be prepared and willing to pay for dates, show a little chivalry. I’m interested in your opinion on this actually, I feel if a guy can only afford a $30 bill, he’s better paying that himself than asking a girl to go halves on a $100 cheque - do you agree
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Yes, I agree. Dates don't have to be expensive. It's not about the price it's about effort.
Personally I feel uncomfortable going on a costly dinner date as a first or second date (would only accept dinner in 2nd in rare cases) because at that point I'm not sure if I want to keep seeing him as I'm only getting to know him (and i'm picky so I know myself), alot of things can happend during 2nd date that might kill my interest.
I'm not cheap myself and very independent, and I wouldn't mind inviting the guy out on 3rd date and pay, i get show i'm independent and i get to keep my autonomy with good conscience, so cheap men are a turn off. It's not about how much money a man makes, it's about if he knows how to balance his money, and being cheap is not balance. It's about making an effort.
If a guy gives cheap vibes, then I can't imagine how he is going to be later on? Never ever heard of a guy who was cheap in the beginning but later wasn't. Btw a man making alot of money, but wasting it all on fun is a no-go aswell cause he doesn't have balance.
And I'm one of those who prefer tall men. It's just a preference, just like some men have a preference of dating only white women, only hispanic, M.E. etc. Or some men who just get turned off/on by big women, curvey or skinny, long legs, athletic, big butt, or big boobs etc. What is wrong with that?
Alot of guys might get rejected due to their height on dating apps, because it is easy and there are more to swipe and women have more options, so why would they like one that is short when they know they can get a 6 feet tall man? It's the same as why should a man like an obese woman when he knows he can get a fit woman and he's more attracted to a fit woman? Why is it wrong to go for what you like??
But that mostly don't happend in the real life, as real life meeting through job, school etc. Is based on more than only looks. I'm pretty sure if all women rejected most under 6 feet then the pool of single men would be full of short guys but that's not the case.
Let people have their demands/standards and preferences. You're complaining. Why is it a problem to you?
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But what I mean is - A guy at 5”10 or 5”11 is not short - They are average, there are a lot of average women who want an above average man - There is nothing inherently wrong with that but they cannot then complain there there are “no good men out there” The dating pool is full of guys who are sub 6” - Again there is nothing wrong with going for what you like, but being so committed to a specific number seems silly. I like girls who are in shape but for me that varies between 2-3 dress sizes. If c girl ticks all my boxes but is a little curvier then that’s fine, also if she is a little skinnier than I’d go for that’s also fine. Would you rather be with a guy who’s 6”, spinning a lot of plates and not treating you well or a guy who is 5”10, in shape, financially successful and treats you like a queen. That’s what people mean by lower your standards imo……. If you’re not single and don’t struggle to meet someone then who gives a shit bit of you’re struggling to find someone and cannot improve yourself then it only makes sense to lower your standards.
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Of course everything is not black and white. And if you read my comment through you would get my point. Swiping is DIFFERENT than in real life. People are more willing to compromise and go down their standard when they meet someone through job, school, party, mutual friends etc. because other things matter and are in focus. But online dating is different because the main focus is your physical appearance and your bio how you represent yourself. There are many options and its easy to swipe. If you don't like it then leave dating apps and start socialising more.
I still think people are entitled to put up standards. It's not up to you to tell if they should accept 1 inch short or 5 kg heavier or whatever I mean who are you to tell people to lower their standard?? It's totally up to each individual. And in the end every person has the choice be stay single until they meet someone who can fit into most of demands and it's up them if they can compromise and see the person is worth it despite lacking qualities they looked for. And it's up to the person to get into a relationship if that's what they want. You sound very salty. When it comes to seeking what makes us happy, nothing is silly. People telling others what to do is silly. But you are entitled to have your opinion about it. You have yours and i have mine.
When women complain, it's got more to do with other things than ONLY height. There's more she doesn't like about that person and when she finds out the height and that doesn't fit her preference EITHER like other things didn't, its enough. Sounds like you are very insecure about height and you put all your thoughts on that.
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I’m gonna put in my 2 cents here cause I’ve been seeing this reposted over and over and over , especially by women . Women can have standards , go for all the things you want for in a man, whether it is physical , characteristics , personality , money , whatever it is. However , what I hate about post like this is the following . When women say they want a man to be x,y,z it’s often traits that are opposite. I want a man who is strong ‘rock’ , however I want him to be vulnerable. I want him to be well off , have money, be a hard working man and spend time with me 3 or 4 a week for 10 hrs plus. You can’t have all the things you want without something being sacrificed. I’ll give an example . I had an ex who wanted me to spend more time with her . At this time I was working ONLY 40hrs a week. she told me she wanted me to spend more time with her . I said ok I would but I would need to find a lower paying job with less hours . We were already struggling as is . She wasn’t working either so that helps a lot /s . So I told her I’ll quit the job I was at which recently gave me a pay raise and promotion. I’ll try to work at a McDonald or lower paying job so I can have less hrs clocked . I asked her if that’s what she wants . Asked her 3 more times if that’s what she wanted . She never gave me a damn response , not once . Down the line I find her cheating on me saying she was doing it because I wasn’t giving her enough attention. Even though on my days off we would spend them together a majority of the time. Again have your standards but you better not have conflicting standards and expect that the other person has to try to play a balancing act to keep you happy . We are just tired of being told stop but then told you meant go and being told go when you mean stop. Also the double standard for men and women on standards and wants , if I have a standard for my women to be thin, I’m a misogynistic bastard and should value a women even if she is “plus sized “ , actual word is obese. Yet a “plus size” woman can want and should only date a man with a washing board for abs as a partner because it’s her preference and standard. Both genders and sex have their own shit and most of it stinks however what’s not ok is how women are told that often their shit smells like flowers and daisies, when it’s just the same as mens.
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I am mostly interested in what standards you have been told to lower?
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Asking for honesty and transparency about their motives, Wanting stable communication and not “lovebombing”, not wishing to be sexually intimate from the get go after the first 2-3 dates that i’ve accepted in the past and wanting to wait (this one a lot).
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I checked your history and we are in a very different stage of our lives so it is hard to connect since i am 41 and you are 19. But i will give it a try:
Being honest and transparent sounds like a no brainer. Stable communication is a different story.
What does that mean to you and do you communicate that to the guy? It might mean something else for them?
What is lovebombing to you? I see a lot of these blanket/abstract statements that mean something else for everyone. Lovebombing for me is associated with narcism and cluster B personality disorders and i would avoid those people at all costs. What does it mean to you?
Sex, well, at my age i probably put a different weight and view on it. Sexual compatibility is important and i would indeed want to check for it after 3 to 5 dates. If my date is sexually insecure, that is fine but it might not be a good fit with me. The same might apply to you if you want to wait and the guy doesn't 🤷♂️ Bad fit, move along
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Hi thank you for your reply. Stable communication as in being to communicate, have empathy and know conflict resolution in the case of a potential relationship/friendship/ connection, etc. I personally cannot get w someone who doesn’t prioritize communication knowing it’s what makes and breaks relationships. If that behavior is shown (even in a non romantic/purely sexual arrangement) i tend to get the red flag and dodge.
Love bombing at-least to me is when someone overindulges someone else’s in nonstop affection to usually win some sort of personal gain (like the trust of the other party, and other things.) And more often than not it gets quickly taken away so the affected party begs for more for an ego boost.
I do know that sexual chemistry is important to others with varying degrees and people usually measure it at the beginning (that’s okay) but i’m different. It annoys me when i’m told my standards are high when they get upset at my own personal stance on sexual chemistry.
2
It goes both ways. How many obese or single moms get butt hurt when men don't want to date them.
??? I know many moms like this that have no trouble finding partners. Not everyone is shallow.
How is not wanting to date an obese single mother shallow
Funny I don’t see how it isn’t shallow. Hmm. Weird.
TRUTH