She loves me, she loves me not, does the lad exclaim! Petals flittering slowly down and swirling ‘round the drain.
Alas! She loves me not, but never shall I fret. For another flower have I found and another chance I get.
Only the second poem I’ve written. Please feel free to criticize. Not quite sure how to format poems yet but I will learn
Posted Aug 19, 2022, 9:43 PM UTC
This is playful and cute! Before I read a comment made my someone else, I was picturing this poem in a colorful picture book. I think your use of exclamation points and punctuation helps communicate this whimsical feel. Like the imagery is vivid in the line “Petals flittering slowly down and swirling ‘round the drain”. I enjoy that line the most. Thank you for sharing this scene of a poor lad trying to give himself hope lol.
short, sweet, and fun. this sounds sort of like a nursery rhyme. i don't know if that was intentional or not. i hope to see more like this at some point
I love this!
I hate to be all nitpicky, because I know how it feels to be on the opposite side of nitpicks proposed by others.
But seeing as criticism is the main purpose of this whole sub, here goes:
You might want to try playing with syllable count and stress a bit more. You had this nice cadence going of alternating stresses, but then you broke it up in one place, with the -ing on ‘flittering’ having two unstressed syllables in a row and sorta making you pause as you read it while it draws your eye there.
Same thing with ‘for another’ and ‘found and’. It breaks up the cadence in potentially interesting places if you’re doing it intentionally.
It’s a cute little rhyme; I very much like it
I think this is the first bit of critique I’ve read on this subreddit in days that is helpful without being condescending 😄. I absolutely second this, meter is a wonderful tool.
This is a beautiful poem. Excellent word choice.
This one brought a smile to my face
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What I love about this is its simplicity. I get what is happening and a scene starts forming into my mind the second I start reading it.
For me the poem is about the illusion of control. Very well done :))
Aww I really like it, I think that's really cute! It would fit really well in a children's poetry book.