A Curios Case of Depression

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

The ending throws me off, both in terms of the deviation in content and the quick exact rhymes with “best” and “depressed”. The shortness of the last stanza contrasts the length and near-rhymes of the others. This is not to say it doesn’t work; it depends on your intended effect. To me, it wraps up a tough topic with a lesson/moral anyone can remember. It wraps up depression in an easy rhyme - and maybe that is the point of this ending, that depression is depression no matter who you are, that simple? Interesting choice.

You paint a picture of these lives without using flowery language and this choice makes the images you create stand out even more. Very good storytelling.

I really liked the ideas you presented with the first two characters; the man and the girl. I like that they come back to the source of their pain for comfort, almost oblivious of its role in the very suffering they describe. I feel the comparison to the third character, the child, could've been made more jarring, if your thesis was that his pain is greater. At the same time, it seems you wanted moreso to show that all forms of pain are valid, and while I do agree, I feel the case hasn't been made strongly enough and that the reader won't necessarily be convinced by the end. I feel the ending is a bit too feel-good, especially when comparing the pain of two sad motropolitans to a defenseless child in a war-torn country, who by all likelihood is going to die or leave the conflict heavily scarred both physically and mentally. I do want to mention that I really liked when the child says "my brother is a soldier, and my sister is an angel", and think it fits the character well and makes a strong impact on the reader. Overall I think this is a solid effort, but as the reader I left a little unconvinced by your message.

Wow. This is truly great. A poem with a lot of nuance in it that covers topics that don't seem to have the same magnitude and might not have, but does not mean they arent bad in a way. Depression is depression, an interesting take indeed. Good stuff man, the rhyming is very well done too. Keep up the good work.