I'm proud of this, even though I wrote it in 2 minutes lol. I'll call it, "myself"

I really enjoyed this poem. I liked the metaphors and imagery and think that the voice running through was strong. The only line I didn't like was the 'corpses of me'. It's an interesting enallage, and it conjures up strong imagery in the mind, I'm just not sure about the connection between the mountain of corpses and that. Feels like it's missing a word or a line or maybe needs reconfuguring to change the word order. It could even be as simple as formatting it to have a line break between the lines so it's on another stanza. Just something about the transition which trips me up.

I really like the story and end as well. Though I'm a bit confused by 'And now that I haven’t' Unsure if it means the protagonist hasn't cried, or that they aren't alive anymore. Still sounds right though. Great piece!

Reminds me of myself I don't usually comment but please keep writing and making more. I love this

Damn amazing, i liked the part about the corpses of "myself"

I like how it’s almost a life lived in death. You constantly live with these corpses feeling broken, but experiencing these things is the biggest proof that despite the death, you are still alive. Great job.

As I read your poem it reminded me off growth, how it feels to grow internally. I liked it a lot!! Thank you

Personally find it to be a satisfying read keep it up

Very raw, I can feel the emotion here as if it came directly from a friend's heart. And the imagery ties into it really well, the part about having an ideal form of yourself watching the destruction of "lesser" forms strikes a cord.

I'm a novice, but I normally see lines ending in something more substantial than "a". (Referring to the line "To become a".) Idk just to me this part feels incomplete, maybe I would put "Better self" on the same line.

Either way, nice work.

I loved this poem and really related to, what I felt, was burnout. It’s such an out-of-body experience sometimes to feel one part of you body declining, and the other grinding on, as if drive is a survival instinct. Changing yourself to be a perfect view in the eyes of others is also something I think many people experience, and is heavily implied in the bit, “ My perfect self, An ideal being, watches the world”. All in all great poem, good job, keep it up (but not because you need to, because you want to).

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

It makes me think of this one I saw a while back in the poetry sub, but from the other angle: To love someone long term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be

<\3

Excellent

I really like the whole idea that depicts the character building and the sufferings of a person it also has a sense of regret pain and misery in it.. It syncs pretty well too.. It's excellent for a 2 min work..

My Mind

broken and rotting

unravelling, reeling…

*

say the lines aloud, then

tighten

then sing them

This poem shows the darkness of mental illness and suicidal ideation, at least that's what I got. Like, you're constantly killing yourself, but not physically. You're killing off parts of yourself that no longer suit the person you are becoming. I also read it from the view point of someone struggling with Narcissism, idk why. Good poem though!

Overall I really like this. It reminds me of one of my styles of writing. I would remove "rotting" though. Without it the poem seems to have natural flow where you state that there is a problem, then explain what the problem is/why it exist, then you resolve the problem or at least let us know you have overcome it.

On a more personal note, I enjoy a little mystery, so I would have loved if you had not made it so obvious it was you as the corpses. After reading the whole poem, most would have figured out that you were the corpses without you having said so.