Ifeelzero

was in the kitchen doing chores (putting dishes away) and i had music on then a song about suicide (its not really a super sad one its just kinda rap) and it reminded me of some people and a time back when shit was rough a couple months ago. id been clean for about a month, havent felt an urge to and i guess it just kinda went away when i occupied my thoughts with things (recreational acid extraction methods etc) and i stayed far away from songs i knew triggered me (mostly the bravery stuff because i listened to that while self harming) but any way. i was in the kitchen and this song came up ive listened to it alot before but never really thought about it and then i kinda started si

back (idk when maybe 3-4-5 years ago) i used to often sleep and have flashes of a blurry image in my sleep and then later in the day the image would come true. i recently had another one a couple weeks ago although cant remember what it was about.

happened again. usually, this happens after a severe mental breakdown which i did have. i dont know if i can get out, i just wanna go back to being depressed or something, i cant even force myself to dry cry. last time i got out by listening to music that has bad sh memories attached but i dont think itll work this time, yesterday i cut pretty bad and wrote shit on my arms and i still feel nothing. not sure how to get out, i dont feel happy and theres no easy way to make me long-term happy. ive been listening to depressing songs but nothing has happened.

iif only he was real. please, someone, love me irl. i need to know someone actually cares enough to care and hug and cuddle me while i cry.

Now, i know this sounds fucking weird or insane but let me just explain. everyone is a victim, the parents, the dead, the survivor, and the shooter. All of them. if the shooter is in that fucking place in their mind where they have to kill other people then you can only fucking imagine that sort of shit hell they went through on a day to day basis to push them that far.

felt like i was naked, it was only a little walk to the garbage bin which is maybe half a min walk but it felt so weird being outside without a jacket or sleves

I know its kinda obvious but i feel like its overlooked too often. noone thinks a guy can be depressed or cut his arm, but he can, and i felt like it needed to be said.