The Hair on His Face [753]

Third (or fourth?) draft. Thanks for all the comments here.

Link

Critique on all aspects are welcome. Specific questions:

1/ the long sentences in here are quite intentional, I'd prefer to know if they *work* or not, rather than advise on breaking them up. By work I mean, did you understand it? Does it feel "exhilarating" to read?

2/ Is there flow? It's a bit stream-of-consciousness, and I've tried my best to link one para to the next, but I'd like to know where are the jarring moments.

3/ Para 7 and 8 ("In truth..." and "But I wasn't a rebel...") are the ones I'm most unsure about in terms of flow, whether it fits, etc. Do let me know your thoughts on these.

Aight, let's add things up. In the past 11 days:

1915+895+547+3621+1831+1233=10042

My submissions:

2038+610+722=3370.

Thanks in advance!