Too Real
Posted Jun 13, 2019, 7:18 PM UTC
2.1K107
Ugh. I felt bad that I ghosted someone after this exchange:
Him: so you having much luck on here?
Me: yeah, I guess so, how about you?
Him: oh yeah I met my last ex on here. She's totally crazy though. Like totally psycho. You just never know what people are like
Me: oh.
Him: yeah I guess some women just don't appreciate romantic types.
Me: whoosh of wind as I disappear
Now I feel validated that I wasn't being "overly picky"
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I wouldn't feel bad for ghosting him. saying "my ex is crazy" is one of the biggest red flags a guy could give you. You dodged a bullet.
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And even when someone has a genuine fucked up ex, it shouldn't be one of the first thing you bring up.
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My boyfriend has a genuinely "crazy" ex (stalker, obsessed after breakup) and he definitely DID NOT brag about it or even bring it up at all until we were already dating and could open up more about our lives. Bashing exes before the first date is the equivalent of bashing your former-manager at a job interview.
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yeah, people who have experienced actual abuse don't lead with it on a dating website because it's emotional trauma and baggage they don't want to bring into the next relationship. Any man who leads with "my ex is crazy" is like wearing a neon sign that says "I'm unstable and I will blame you for my emotional fallout."
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Yeah. Through therapy I gradually discovered just how manipulative and emotionally abusive my ex was. I don't randomly bring it up because she was basically a multi-year long series of traumatic events (interspersed with a lot of things that seemed good at the time).
One of my friends also has a legitimately dangerous "ex". He basically refuses to acknowledge she exists most of the time because he "dated" her for a week and then spent months trying to get her to stop doing her damnest to ruin his life in any way possible.
Trauma isn't a quirky story. It's traumatic.
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Right? Like, I wasn’t joking about how my ex choked me and threw shit at me when I was trying to impress someone which is what normal people do in the early stages of dating. Took long enough for a therapist to get me to talk about it.
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Just kinda hard to work in “I had to couchsurf for three months so he couldn’t find me after I left him” into casual conversation
Edit: “Speaking of surfing, I could really go for a surf & turf plate at insert generic local seafood restaurant here, they have great fries too.” There. Nailed it.
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I'm glad you mentioned that, since I do have one ex who I could only describe as crazy. Luckily I met her after getting out of a pretty manipulative relationship a year prior, and I told myself to listen to red flags instead of taking all the blames. It costed me my DSLR to leave the crazy ex, but I took it as an expensive lesson.
I don't think I brought up my crazy ex until a few months into my current relationship, when something happened that really reminded me of her.
To be fair though my now wife did most of the talking on our first date, her enthusiasm and love towards her grandma planted the seeds of love for me.
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I almost said that I was curious to hear how she would feel about their time together, but then he hit me with the romantics line so I ungracefully disengaged.
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Because bringing up your ex in the second sentence you send to a new person is a sign of stability, sure...
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Oh ya there's so many sentences on there I've Insta blocked on its not even funny. You're not alone. Many red flags there.
Over indulgence of opinions to total strangers is a huge one.
"Don't like romantic types" is code for: won't respect your boundaries and will emotionally set fire to you if you don't want his hands on you whenever he pleases.
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I’ll disengage all contact with a man who refers to an ex as crazy. Biggest red flag there is.
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Having one ex that was crazy, ok, but when they say all of them are crazy, that's a sign to get the hell out
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Yeah, it's possible to have a legitimately problematic ex (or two).
But if they're all bad news? Then HE is the real bad news.
One of the things I love most about my husband is that he's actually stayed on really good terms with most of his exes -- they help each other with career networking and keep in touch over Facebook/Insta and will sometimes grab lunch when one is in town because the things they liked about each other while dating didn't go away just because the relationship didn't work out.
On the other hand, I have an abusive ex husband that I have almost nothing kind to say about. It's the exception -- I'm also still friends with most of my exes -- but I don't think it should be a red flag for me to have shared that while dating, because it shaped a lot of who I am now as a person, and how I respond to others in a relationship.
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Eh, I think that this unfairly discounts the possibility that some people are, for reasons that are very difficult to control, particularly vulnerable to abusive partners.
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Usually those people, unfortunately, see abusive and "crazy" behavior as normal/typical so they probably wouldn't go around announcing how all their exes are "psycho".
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This is a thing! My SO is a porn star and nude model. The industry is jam packed with old perverts with a camera and money to burn. My SO has only had one incident where she left a shoot and only rarely has anyone be more than socially awkward creepy because she’s a badass bitch and projects an air of control and “I might fucking cut you if you act up”. On the other hand our roommate who’s in the same line of work and up until a year or so ago was pretty timid owning to a frankly horrible life of being abused by one man after another starting with their own father has had a bunch of dudes take advantage of thier timidness and “abuseablity” and have acted really inappropriately to them. That kind of abuse grooms people and not only is it apparent in who they choose to date but abusers can subliminally “see” it marking a person as “easy prey”. Just like any predator in nature emotional predators aim for the “weak” ones. Weak in this case meaning someone unfortunate enough to have internalized being abused as a form of love.
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Advice, casual therapy and emotional support shouldn’t just come from one’s girlfriend. We should be encouraging men to more frequently have emotionally rich friendships instead of the shallow shit they’re socialized to have with other men, and two men trying to reach that point on their own with no assistance is such a bad idea it sounds like a sitcom. The only way we can get the concept spread amongst men is with men that have first experienced it with female friends. Calling that “girlfriend services” is counterintuitive and encourages men to try to find a girlfriend to “fix them”.
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I had one that was a nightmare from back when I was a man. One. I've had plenty before and since that were nice but just didn't work out
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Right? It's like there's some kind of common denominator but I can't put my finger on it
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If you smell shit all day you should look under your shoe
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Yup. Not even one ex. Plenty of fish in the sea.
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I remember the scary version of this someone posted here a few months ago
"Wanna know why there aren't any women talking about their crazy ex BFs?"
"'Cause they're dead"
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I think it was Childish Gambino who said that originally
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Actually it was Donald Glover :) He's only Childish Gambino when he's performing music.
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Ah thank you!
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“I spent all of my free time playing video games and subtly undermining her happiness and picking stupid fights, because I felt rejected that she didn’t initiate more often.”
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I see we dated the same dude. Probably at the same time. 😒
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Oh my god you described my ex. Add in some “you know it’s not good for me, why do you let me play?!” But intense whining and aggressive behaviour when I dared to say he shouldn’t sit in front of League of legends for hours a day and get mad/aggressive at losing
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I see you have met my ex. He would also get extremely offended and sulk when offered solutions to the problem, like maybe taking better care of his appearance & hygiene, doing on dates, not using the awful baby talk he knew I hated, not using me as a fleshlight replacement & actually putting effort in to make sure I had fun, not getting super offended when I didn't cum after 5 mins of jackhammering, etc...
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"AlL mY eXeS aRe CrAzY!!!"
Well, who's the common denominator in all those dysfunctional relationships?
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Depends on what crazy means here. Victims of abuse tend to be abused again sadly
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The worst part is when because of your first abuser you’ve already developed a system of behaviors to gratify them as a form of self-defense and after getting away from them but before unlearning those behaviors another person comes along and is like “it’s free real estate”.
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I’m sorry but this veers dangerously close to victim blaming. People with abusive partners have a tendency towards abusive people. Obviously this isn’t always the case but I know several kind and wonderful men who engage in abusive cycles with horrible women. It’s actually really sad.
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Image Transcription: Twitter Post
Brandon Evers, @BrandonEvrs
"My ex girlfriend is crazy"
Code for: I played w her emotions, ruined her mental health, gave her reasons to be jealous, used gaslighting when she called me out, and now that she's justifiably upset/hurt I demonize her hoping other men won't want her and she'll come back to me.
^^I'm a human volunteer content transcriber for Reddit and you could be too! If you'd like more information on what we do and why we do it, click here!
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I only made the mistake of dating a guy who called his ex crazy, once (or a few times because I was dumb and young when we first met).
Now I'm the crazy ex. Even though he made me that way.
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My ex husband joked about me one day being 'the crazy ex' and that's a narrative I've spent a lot of my adult life trying to change all because he had already built up that expectation in his head that anyone who he no longer ends up with is 'crazy' he was also emotionally distant, he made me feel distrustful of him because he would withhold the truth from me about anything in fear that I would get mad, not understanding that it's his lack of communication and honesty that was making me mad not the truth in what he was going to reveal, which was in itself it's own form of gas lighting, which made me never know when he was telling the truth about anything and made me suspicious of everything he did.
Granted, some people just have some really crazy ex's and that's also part of our culture, to be "crazy" when dealt rejection or worse under-diagnosing/treating actual mental illness and how it plays out negativity in relationships.
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I felt pretty crazy at various moments and pretty constantly towards the end of my marriage. I will never again stay with someone who creates an environment in which I feel crazy.
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me either <3 cheers to both of us who survived.
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Essentially it's code for: he's the crazy ex. She just got out alive. Barely.
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When my fiance said that his ex was crazy/an awful person, I immediately put walls up because I thought oh, he's one of them. When it turned out that she was genuinely physically and mentally abusive and reduced him to wanting to commit suicide, I felt sooo bad about my assumptions. But there's still way too many guys who insist a woman is crazy for insisting on her wants and needs.
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exactly, this wasn't supposed to be a political post talking about our experiences with an emotionally abusive ex... just every woman knows that ONE guy who says all his exes are crazy and then when you start to unpack him you notice he's toxic af. This is not a social commentary on ALL MEN, just the ones who are ignorant about their own toxicity and impact on their relationships because they exist.
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One crazy ex? Maybe it's them.... All exes are crazy? Maybe it's you....
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Of course, while it’s less plausible, sometimes you’re just in New Jersey. There’s exceptions to every rule, and in this case it’s usually when someone has an extremely easily exploited personality that just naturally attracts abusers. But that’s not usually men.
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THANK YOU
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Every one is crazy! You jus gotta find the right kind of crazy
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the kind of crazy where my demons play nicely with their demons :P
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Exactly...
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Add on the fact that he's in denial of his behavior/egos and doesn't want to be seen for what he is so he projects it all onto her and YUP
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Actually, no, my ex gf IS crazy.
She:
-Regularly berated and insulted me
-Tried to turn me against my friends and anyone else who she didn't "approve" of
-Threatened my best friend with a knife
-Regularly lied about anything and everything, always trying to make me feel bad about myself
-Kicked me out of the house when I couldn't get an erection
-Threatened to kill herself when I finally broke up with her
This meme is insulting to survivors of abusive relationships.
4†
No it's not. I've been in an abusive relationship too and even though my experience is different it's still valid. My ex demonized me and made think I was the the bad guy every single day just like the meme so I can post it without it invalidating your experience in your abusive relationship.
My Ex:
-was emotionally abusive
-denied that our child had special needs, He had a severe speech and language delay, he's also been diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder now that he's 9 years old.
-cheated on me
-left me alone with our special needs child from 6am to 12 pm just so he can go out with his friends after work and get drunk 2 times a week and one time he did get drunk he cut off our landline so I couldn't call for help, started screaming at me pushed me down on the bed and tried to rape me until our 1 month old baby in the same room started crying and I reasoned with him enough to ask him if I could take our kids to my parents house for the night which I did and then I had to go back to our house to make sure he hadn't killed himself and I stayed on suicide watch with him all night... the man who almost raped me and harmed our kids.
-he was selfish when it came to sex, making me feel guilty that I was not willing or able to satisfy his individual needs.
-he made me feel isolated by taking all the money I made, giving me a $50 a month allowance to pay for the clothes and things our children needed, used my income to pay for "our" debts (ie; a mastercard that was only in his name and never left his wallet that only he used) and then berating me because we couldn't afford me buying a magazine at the grocery store while he still went out 2 nights a week and bought season tickets to our local hockey team to share with his friends
and when i developed severe PPD because of all this and was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder he called me 'crazy' and still to this day feels like he has to tiptoe around me as 'his crazy ex' so yeah I think I have a right to post this tyvm.
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What would you say if a man had posted a gender reversed copy of this same post?
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Abusers often paint their ex as crazy to hide their crimes. My reaction to "my ex was abusive" is much different than my reaction to "my ex was crazy."
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Instead of saying crazy, just say abusive. That’s what I do. Plus it removes the mental illness stigma aspect of the thing.
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Oh, this is way too accurate
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I actually had a friend like this.. he would litterally bash all the people that didnt want contact with him. Said that they where horrible people. When in reality all that he said about them, it was he that did. He would talk shitabout everyone to gain an advantage on one person. I cut contact a while ago. Best decision ever!
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yeah or shes just crazy
im not saying that this cant be true but im sure there are some crazy women out there
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This isn’t the place to talk about that. I’d suggest TrollY
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yeah but what really bothers me about both of those subs is that it feels like bothe sexes are just bashing each other and are just making the whole fight worse. but yeah I guess that's in the name of the sub
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This is right on point. An ex of mine called all women crazy. He is an extremely controlling, off-the-charts-born-again Christian. He always spoke of how proud he was of his 7 kids (from his first marriage), but never spent time with them nor paid child support.
So far, 2 of his sons committed suicide a year apart. Yeah, sure, all women are crazy.
I feel bad for his kids :(
Me, too. Sooo much.
That's so sad about his kids.
I had a similar ex, except for being a Christian, my ex was a devout atheist/sometimes agnostic. He use to say things like all of his ex's were cheaters, liars, manipulators. Turns out he cheated on me with 10+ different girls in the entirety of our two year relationship, from the very first day until the last. He was a literal psycho who emotionally tortured me and made me cut ties with all of my friends, female or male, and then accused me of cheating on him because he was guilty for doing it to me. He drove me insane and did it intentionally!
I feel this so much. For my ex’s kids, and for you. My ex was like that as well. He was projecting all his bad behavior onto me. It was awful. Some people are so fucked up.
Sounds to me like he wasn't actually proud of his kids, he was proud of himself for having 7 kids. Not that he even deserves to feel pride for that, seeing as his contribution was all pleasure and no strife.
Exactly. You hit the nail right on the head. He always boasted about how “fruitful” he was. All about him.
Eww. What a disgusting attitude in regards to children.