i barely drink
and if i do
it’s cause i think of you
i barely sleep
and dream at the same time
because when i do
i think of you
this breakup happening
was a long time coming
and for that reason
i’m not lying
when i say
i 𝗯𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗹𝘆 write you anymore
Posted Aug 26, 2019, 10:30 AM UTC
I barely drink
And if I do
It's because
I think of you
I scarcely sleep
And dream yet less
Since dreams of you
Leave me depressed
Early traces
Of our cleavage
Wound their ways
Through bitter-sweetness
With this in view
I promise you
My letters will be ceasing.
Hope you don't mind etc. etc. (when I've posted my work before I've found people saying that a bit weird, but I also understand that having people actually meddling with your poems could be a but unpleasant.) I really liked your first three lines and and the almost lullaby-like quality there had to them, but felt it kind of lost its way as it progressed. I think my version is far from perfect (probably needs more work, again, in the second half), but I tried to maintain that lightness in the face of the darkness that follows breakups, and some kind of a means toward (emotional) rest, with some kind of ambiguity of hope. I wasn't sure about my use of the word 'depressed' because it feels a bit too blunt in relation to the rest of the piece perhaps, but I left it there because bluntness can perhaps be a kind of vulnerability/surrender in these contexts, idk.
i definitely really enjoyed reading your take on it, and i definitely see how you thought some of the words were fitting to change. i think yours is basically, my poem, but done in a way happier way. i know my poem is absolutely awful hahaha, i actually wanted people like you to come in and show a different perspective on it if that makes any sense at all. if we take away the bad structure and rhyme/fittingness of some of the parts in my poem, the message is more about how i was trying really hard at one point to stop giving someone attention to the point where i let myself stop doing anything that reminded me of them. and the longer time passed, the more i realised i still write the person even when i don’t do anything to think of them anymore.
as i said before i adore your take on it and it’s definitely much more well written than mine but i think the supposed (not so well executed) message in mine is way different from yours xx
It's really interesting to me that you see my rendering as very distinct from yours, because I was trying to be as faithful to yours as possible and mostly make just structural changes. But I suppose the words not being yours will make them resonate with you less than those you've actually written. Personally I'm convinced I didn't make any substantial changes though (my first stanza=yours first three lines, second stanza=next four lines, third stanza=next two lines, fourth stanza=next four lines) and I really enjoy things with a light veneer over much darker themes, which is kind of what I was trying to draw out, as well as a sort of self-comforting (the promise is addressed to this other person, but really it's to the poet). I think (??) I understood what you were going for, I definitely understand those sentiments, but perhaps even those slight changes, despite trying to remain true to your version, inevitably bring about a kind of disassociation? But I don't know, maybe you think I'm completely wrong and it's your poem so that's fine.
oh no!!! don’t get me wrong i l o v e d your take on it and you’re definitely not far from what i meant- however since i wrote my poem i obviously know to 100% exactly who and when and what has happened, whereas in your take it’s a lot more of actually having stopped letting this person take control of you rather than ignoring the whole issue that is sticking to someone so bad.
i think the part that is mostly different is “my letters will be ceasing”, because as much as i wish i could, i do still write this person on a weekly basis and i do still let this person ruin my life. whereas in your take it’s very much more, “i will move on, i have moved on, i can move on”. i hope that makes sense x
ps. i truly hope you don’t think i’m being to rude and i really appreciated your take on it
Ah, I think I understand now. I get what you mean about the difference between 'barely' and 'ceased'. I can see that it's a difference I underestimated. Also
i obviously know to 100% exactly who and when and what has happened
100% agree. And don't worry about being rude! I'm the one who's being rude. I mean, I hope not. But I'm definitely being audacious.
Bittersweet! I like the coy attitude, not letting on how strong the feelings might actually be. I wonder why the last line changes to “write”, maybe it could be expanded upon? I’m left unsure if the author is lying or not. It has an intimate feeling of both speaking to someone else and reassuring yourself, thanks for sharing!
i’d say it’s very much a bit of lying to tell yourself you’re doing okay, aswell as admitting defeat and how you do still write the person just not as much. having gone through a time in my life when someone was mine aswell as so, not, mine it sort of felt as if whenever i messaged them i was letting them ruin me again. i definitely appreciated hearing your take on it x
It’s a good poem, but some parts don’t stick together making you take a pause to reread or red it slowly. If u can improve on that and make it flow that it’ll be great.
thank you very much for the feedback x
I did enjoy this poem. I feel it doesn't have to sound all lyrical, because of its nature, but it feels like a nice structure and rhythm, and you can make a point out of it (also that's the only part I'm remotely good at, so you know.. my humble contribution:) ).
I don't know how much time you spent in what phases, but it's always nice to allocate some time for playing around with words. My idea is that whatever thought you have, it can be expressed with a lot of different wordings that may differ trivially or significantly. Some of those wordings will fit just very nicely together, you just have to find those specific wordings.
For example:
the poem has a all classy style (mostly because of "barely") and the line "it’s cause i think of you", to me, ruins it all and looks out of place.
You could try something like:
i barely drink
and if i do
it is because, i think of you
It really asks for a comma there to indicate a small pause. Instead you could use a dash – or — or a line break. The possibilities are endless)
Cheers and keep up with the poetry ^-^
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The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?
Answer.
That you are here—that life exists and identity,
That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.
W.W. 1855
not an expert but i adore this. i felt this man drinking himself to sleep. i felt him cry alone in his room. i really felt the weight of his heart in that moment. your writing style really got my empathy. will definitely look for more of your work!
aw this made me really happy, thank you! i’m far from an expert and really only felt like this was mediocre at best but i’m really glad you could see something in it, thank you x
maybe it’s the simplicity of your style that makes it so easy to relate to!
❤️
Others have mentioned the flow too, but I'll touch on it again. For me the regularity of the first three lines set a rhythm that caused me to trip up when reading the later lines. In particular "this breakup happening / was a long time coming" and "and dream at the same time" I found difficult to parse because the lines were so much longer than the previous ones.
I must say that I really like the flow of the first three lines, and the rhythm that they establish. But, for me, the regularity in the rhythm doesn't work in a poem about a break up that "was a long time coming". If the story was of a happy relationship and an unexpected break up, then the disruption of the initial short sharp rhythm by something different could really sell the idea!
Hope this makes sense / is helpful!
that is definitely very helpful! i always appreciate feedback like this so i’m very thankful! i completely understand what you mean and will definitely use that in future poems, thank you x
You have got the transference of your feelings to the audience right, your interpretation is very clear and concise, and although you could have been more detailed, it works fine as a short snippet, engaging throughout.
I barely sleep
And dream at the same time
This part right here hit me. It's really beautiful.
Overall, I loved your poem, additionally, the title drop at the last line is always a nice touch.
I think adding more metaphorical lines would help make this poem more interesting and emotional. Right now it seems kind of basic. Adding longer and unique words would help as well. Other than that, I like the message you’re conveying with this poem.
thank you very much for the advice x
It's simple enough, I like that in poems. It flows well, and the message comes out clearly.I'd only recommend that you split it up into like 3 stanzas to make it more readable. Otherwise, good job with this one.
i actually did but for some reason reddit removed it? do you have any advice on that x
If you're posting on mobile, that's probably the cause. Normally messes up with your formatting.
I'd suggest trying to edit it using your desktop browser. That's how I normally post my stuff.
Hi! I think you’ve got a very strong ideas as to what you want to convey here, and you can lean into that’s the idea of someone hanging on to someone else although the relationship is toxic isn’t a unique feeling - many people have experienced it and written about it. What makes it unique is your personal take on it. Not to suggest that you rewrite anything at all if it already is what you want, but one possible suggestion would be to push into what makes your experience different. Perhaps include lines from your letters and how they’ve changed over time. Or the other person’s reactions to the letters. Or what you wish you could say.
i’ll definitely keep that in mind. i might just rewrite it in a couple weeks xx
Some advice I've gotten on a previous poem, and found very valuable (I still struggle to implement it myself though lol)--don't tell me what you're feeling, show me. This felt very tell-y, and not very show-y. Lines such as
i barely drink
and if i do
it’s cause i think of you
are empty, for lack of a better term. The whole idea of falling out of love is an interesting one, and one that you don't see very often in our world of love poems. I think you have a good concept, but you definitely need to flesh it out a little more.
ooo thank you a lot for that advice! x
I like it, but it seems like it's missing a punch at the end, or maybe middle. Somewhere. You mention the break up being a long time coming like you and after that you say you don't write anymore which makes it sound like you got a long time to make peace with it, but that seems at odds with the illusion to not sleeping and drinking.
Then again, I've been through that situation and I know it isn't exactly sensible. Might be a good reflection.
definitely appreaciate the feedback! i think my mindset in it was how the bold barely could either be viewed as a lie, or it could actually be the truth and the fact that you have moved on. i guess it’s up to whatever fits the person reading it, but in my eyes writing it it’s definitely a lie
This got very predictable with each stanza. Don't get me wrong it's really nice. But it lacks something I can't describe... The poem could've gone longer, but it was first 2 stanzas describes the surface water and waves and then by the end it described the depth . I hope you don't mind me saying it.
i definitely appreciate hearing that advice! i’m all for harsh criticism! thank you very much x
I'm sorry that was a harsh.. I wasn't thinking of doing so.
I actually think the first bit was super super good, it’s a great hook and makes the reader question what’s happened, however there’s a disconnect at the answer it’s not so emotional, not as clever