I just had my laptop stolen and am currently monitoring the thief live with a security program. AMA

A great new one is

MisdirectedURL.

Funny, but evil.

♥ Spontaneous haiku

No, this one is supremely shitty and it's been done so many times before.

http://reddit.com/r/haiku_accounts

haikus are stupid

i wish they would go away

go away and die

6 7 5 is not a haiku, your first line has too many syllables.

[deleted]

Or a new meme. Technologically impaired criminal.

Yeah I'm not too fond of those things :(

upvoted posting in haiku form

Is that all you've got?

You need some variation

The novelty's gone

Install teamviewer, run on startup, secret permanent password. Write address and password down. Enjoy messing with the thief when he's using your computer.

Might not work on OS X, IDK.

You could also use a remote administration tool, but that's too much hassle.

All it takes good sir
Two presses on the [spacebar]
FAQ works well

I ctrl+C'd 'Iclogtoilets,' then ctrl+f'd and ctrl+v'd ready for some juicy redditor-on-redditor theft revelation only to then hit my palm with my face.

Well now Iclogtoilets knows that we is caught

Oh, what a shame that it was a Redditor :(

That's some damn good trollin there, son.

Speaking of Iclogtoilets, I dont see why he isn't a member here.

Maybe they're cutpursed images. We are dealing with a thief, you know.

i've actually heard that cat is delicious

Is it though? Is it really?

A photograph is hardly regarded as private/personal info. People upload and re-upload photos of people all the time to reddit without a second thought.

I know him! ... wait ... do you mean Douchebaggerton Odoratron McFartykins, or Douchebaggerton Sexpest McFartykins?

I know Douchebaggerton McFartykins. He's a pretty nice guy, and I'd like you to stop disparaging him on the internet.

1 point for "McFartykins" haha

That is such a terrible name. I'd certainly change that,and very rapidly!

Why is this getting downvoted? Vigilantism is bad.

There there!

too much man. It's only been a day, ease into it, spread it out..

I can't do these either :(

how did you know?!

Viewed upon my iPhone 4 while researching the iPhone 5

• Posted from one of my Macs.

It's tape! >:(

Yeah, but you're also smart enough to not steal a laptop.

exactly. I would turn wifi and bluetooth and any public access routing pings off and THEN reformat hard drive, OS, etc. But this guy straight up opens the computer and uses the same chrome browser that was up to check his twitter LOL

Very helpful guide Mr. Laptop Thief.

I think your average thief hasn't got the blindest herp derp what a serial number is, let alone how to sand it off and format a drive.

You think about how you'd handle stolen laptops an awful lot....

To your average thief, its a magic box that's worth money. Format a drive? Dude can't even function in society without resorting to crime, let alone learn basic tech skills. Oh well, grand theft felony sounds about right and I hope he goes to prison.

Corrected: You're lucky he's not JabbrWockey:)

Can I get your number so we can pull crimes together?

[deleted]

Fun fact, unibody MacBook Pros have the serial number and other info laser etched into the aluminum below the palm rest as a QR code.

Prey tracks hardware changes. It also automatically connects to any unsecured network before you can do anything about it. It also shows the serial number, which can be accessed not only by the sticker, but through programs on the computer. They recommend that you lock down your BIOS so nobody can change boot devices.

tl;dr: You're probably fucked if you steal a computer with Prey installed. Most thieves are probably derpingtons anyway.

What can Intel vPro do?

Yep, and if it is vPro, no matter what you do, you are screwed. That thing is going to call home whenever it gets the chance.

Apple machines have the serial number encoded unto a chip on the motherboard itself. The only way to change it is to swap out the motherboard.

Too bad you didn't look at the battery or under the hard drive, because I sharpied the shit out of them with info only I can identify.

I'm interested in the vPro problems and security. Can you point me at documentation that shows how it works and what it's security problems are?

TIL how to steal a laptop.

Also the mac address

And so I went and googled Intel vPro.... I know at least one of my systems is compatible. Now I need to figure out how to activate and use it. Good tip!

Serial numbers are in the ROM too

You would more than likely still get caught. Older versions of tracking and recovery software were installed in the boot sector of hard drives so that it would still operate even after a format. Next generation tracking software such as computrace is installed in the Bios so as to still function even if the thief puts a different hard drive in the machine. If you were to low level format the drive and flash the Bios with a non standard Bios from the bios or board manufacturer (not from the PC manufacturer) then you might have a chance of not being traced...... just sayin

make sure it isn't Intel vPro compatible

What does that mean please?

I would imagine that most of us that would know how to do this shit, also aren't the kind who would just go and steal laptops.

But that won't prevent someone from matching up the serial number or mac address.

The only remaining identifying mark I could think of would be the MAC address of the network hardware. Better replace the wireless card. And never use the ethernet port again.

Or you could do the easy thing:

$ sudo rm -rf /

Basically, it'll completely wipe the hard drive. Absolutely everything.

I wouldn't even reformat the harddrive, i'd straight up buy a new harddrive and replace it. isnt it not good to be in possession of an item with a defaced serial number?

Tell me more...

vPro appears to be the one feature my computer does not have.

What, specifically, can you do with this? It looks like it's some sort of secure connection technology built right into it for using open wireless access.

Mac address ;)

As a last precaution you would even NEVER AT ANY TIME start the computer, just to be really, really sure. And store it in a bank box in another city. But not the one your parents live in, that's too easy.

I'm not interested in stealing laptops, but if I were, I would:

1. Not connect to the internet
2. Copy all that person's data to an external drive for later perusing
3. Use something like Eraser (Mac-compatible? Not sure) to overwrite all data on the HDD
4. Reinstall OS (Assuming that's how it's done on a Mac; PC guy here)
5. Wipe for prints or whatever (just clean the thing where I touched it)
6. Sell it on Craigslist for cheaper than usual so it moves quickly

Don't forget the cmos. The serial may be in the bios.

I've had to take apart my laptop a few times, so I actually slipped a flash drive with my info on it inside the machine.

Hm, actually I'd say really lucky. We've had a number of things get stolen from my workplace including phones, laptops, and other equipment.

We had one kid snatch-and-run with laptop in a room full of people, bolt out the door, and pass it onto someone else. When the police showed up over 2 hours later, they just told us it was gone. They might pawn or sell it on the street within 20-30 minutes for $100 and never even turn it on. It doesn't matter how little they get for it when anything's a step up from $0.

TIL

And install Windows 3.1 and some pokemon stickers.

You've thought this through too much...

alright Dwight Schrute

And you would steal this laptop for what reason?

These days, laptops without Internet is not that interesting.

Since the police is already aware of the case, that would not be a good idea.

He stole this guy's laptop. I'm guessing his life wasn't on the high road to success to start with. And I'm not going to be sympathetic at all if he gets ruined by the cops. He had it coming.

If they stop you on the street and have probable cause that you just did or are about to commit a crime, they may search your person. This also extends to your car, if you are in or near it.

To enter and search your house, probable cause is not enough, and they need a warrant issued by a judge in their jurisdiction. Or your consent.

In the U.S., you can't enter someone's home without a warrant unless there are some exigent circumstances that justify the entry. You don't have that here.

You do need probable cause; it's just that you need a warrant, too (meaning a judge signs off on, "yep, that's probable cause.")

edit: also what the guy below said

Oh jeez, can you imagine if police had this much power in simple theft? Chilling.

Unless you can physically see the thief trying to reformat the harddrive or otherwise cover up his crime, then no you have to wait for a warrant.

Falls under exigent circumstance. A fellow editor outlined how he would deal with the situation. If you saw him doing any of those things, it'd fall under exigent circumstance

To go into someone's residence, they need a warrant.

Setting his parent's house on fire would be bad.

Assuming the thief lives alone, setting his house on fire would be fucking fantastic.

I don't advocate severing the brake line on his car, but only because it might hurt someone else, not because it might kill the thief.

This is one of the most well-worded and persuasive arguments toward level-headedness I've ever seen. Boats that go upward for you.

Some freaky internet mob wouldn't even make it to my house, they'd just get mugged and beaten as soon as they turned up in town.

A gang of strangers coming to my town actively looking for trouble is pretty much guaranteed to find it in the form of a gang of experienced brawlers who have been fighting on the streets since they were 10 years old. I'd stick my money on the brawlers anyday.

I think we all know though, that some freaky internet mob isn't going to step foot anywhere near a particularly rough area though.

exactly. things can quickly get out of hand.

Dude, nobody is going to throw rocks through his fucking window. Holy shit some of you take the internet way too seriously.

I think we got a suspect here.

That's what my money is on.

And my hopes.

Since his buddy suddenly and mysteriously has a laptop, he at least deserves to have the shit pounded out of him.