[5770] - Mirror in the Dark - REVISED

All - I had such great feedback on this, and I've finished my revisions. Rather than post what happens next, I'm sharing this here, as what happens next may change based on how I fixed this up.

Here's the original post I made, for background and prior critiques. I revised quite a bit related to the creature and the tone. I have not added anymore narrative; it stops in the same place the old one did.

Here's the revised passage that I'm asking for critiques on:

Revised Passage - for Commenting & Suggestions

Original Version - Read Only - in case anyone cares.

My critiques (sorry I list them all; it helps me keep track. I didn't share anything that's not very in depth and deleted counts already used up):

1300 - Squad Golds

1655 - Theory of Evolution

2600 - Master Arcanist

2290 - Egypt (2 Parts)

1382 - Echoes of the Ages (2 parts)

2273 - Three Times I Lost Someone Else's Keys (2 Parts)

3737 - A Delirious Line of Conversation and Two Physical Encounters (3 Parts)

2745 - Red as Snow Chapter 1

3213 - Red as Snow Chapter 2

Total: 21,195

Minus this right here (5,770) = 15,425 to go.