jchart12

I’ve literally tried everything. A dozen different meds, DBT, CBT, trauma therapy, I got a fucking masters degree in trauma and resilience and I’m just about to finish with a 4.0 GPA but I’m still so fucking fucked up. What’s the point of continuing to try and continuing to fail? Literally the only reason I’m still here is so that I don’t hurt my mom and have it ruin the business opportunity she worked so hard on that could make my family wealthy and secure. It’s too much. I’m done. I’m fucking done. I wish there was a way I could disappear out of this world without hurting people. The only recovery programs out there seem to be for people with addictions, maybe I should start smoking crack

I have all the things I could want. Friends who say they love me, a good job that says they support me, a family that says they are by my side, and have just one course left in my masters degree that apparently means I’m smart and accomplished.

I don’t believe any of it. I don’t deserve any of it. I can’t live up to any of it. I wish I could give my life to somebody who deserves it and could make good use of it because all I can ever focus on is how much I want to fucking end it all rather than face my inevitable failure. I don’t have a partner because I run away whenever somebody takes any interest in me. I wish I could just end this life without hurting anybody. I wish people would stop

I’ve been suicidal for more than half of my life. 22 years, sometimes it gets better, but I always end up coming back. I don’t understand why I have to keep trying when I know that there isn’t anything inside me to try for. I’m nothing. I’m not real. I’ve been a shell for as long as I can remember, going through the motions, trying to make everybody happy, but inside I am totally empty. And I don’t understand why I have to live this way. I’m not worth keeping around. I’m nothing.

Man.. I had no idea how much and how awkwardly I move my body around until I recently had to watch a video of myself for work.

Ugh. I wish I could just sit still. I like my autism for a lot of things but the way I use my body is NOT one of them.

Feeling super insecure today =(

Okay so a bit of backstory: my ex and I broke up about 6 months ago. Usually it takes me 3-4 months to get over a breakup. This one was a doozy though. I even moved out of town - not 100% because of the breakup but I’d give it a solid 50%.

Recently, I really believed I had conquered this demon. I started talking with him again and the conversations were good - not dramatic like they used to be. Just normal friend stuff. I was coming back to town to visit and we planned to meet up. Cool - should be okay right?

Wrong. I lost my godddamn mind. Again. I cried for a long time in front of him. Again. I could barely be in the same room as him by the end of it. It was a total shock, and a complet

I have to end it tonight. I’m terrified. I’m betraying so many people. But I can’t live as a shell of myself. I just can’t do it.

It’s all just a matter of when and where now. I can leave whenever I want. Nobody knows this time. When I called the suicide hotline they called the cops and sent me to the hospital. I guess I can’t call them again.

The only thing keeping me here is that I’m supposed to help plan and shop for my boyfriends birthday party. Seems kind of cruel to ruin it by dying. But I’m so fucking tempted. Help.

I had friends, kept up conversations, was somehow interesting to people, had lovers, made and wrote music, laughed and made others laugh. I put together a perfect life for myself and now I just don’t want it anymore. I’ve been pulling it apart, looking through the cracks. There doesn’t seem to be any foundation. Was everything I did, every person I’ve loved, built on a lie?

If I had a choice, I’d choose to die tonight. To fall asleep and never wake up. I am living in a world where my passion has dried up, watching my peers race ahead and not look back. I can’t take it anymore.

I’m sitting in my car with all the ingredients I need to die in the next 15 minutes. All I have to do is mix them together and wait. Fuck I’m scared. But living this shell of a life is just too much to bare.

I have a family, friends, and a boyfriend that love me. Why do I want to leave so badly? My friends are so funny and charming, but I can barely get a word out. I feel like they basically hang out with my out of pity. My boyfriend talks to me and I draw a fucking blank. I think he’s only with me because he thinks I’ll kill myself otherwise.

I can’t bare feeling so isolated and separate all the goddamn time. There’s literally no reason for it, I have everything I could ever want. I’m a selfish piece of shit and I don’t deserve these people.

It’s been a long time coming. My family and friends have tried to help the best they could, the medical system has tried to help the best it could, but my brain is just unfixable. I’m really scared to die, but I’m more scared to live like this. My partner and I barely even speak anymore, and I love him more than anything. He’s trying so hard, I just don’t have anything so say. My mom basically in hysterics trying to deal with my daily bullshit. I can’t live like this anymore. Goodbye, everybody ❤️

I don’t know what to do. I’ve stopped caring about anything. I don’t feel like I even care about my loved ones anymore. They were the ones that kept me going through all this, and now it feels like nothing matters.

I went to a bridge today. I stood on the edge and thought about jumping. I couldn’t do it. It was too terrifying. I now know that I need to find some other way to end my life. I researched suicide bags, and they seem like a better option.

The thing that scares me the most about this is I haven’t cried at all about it. I was completely calm as I went to the bridge, and am completely calm now. I feel like I’ve made my choice now, and there’s no turning back. It gives me peace for

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