[826] Jim

Critiques and suggestions on all aspects are welcome, but here are some specific questions:

1/ The long sentences (>20 words) and high register ("still bore testament...") etc. are intentional. I'd like to know if they work or not, rather than advise to break them up. There are five sentences/phrases I'm especially concerned about, I've marked them in the doc, would be very grateful if you could pick them apart. Obv. let me know if any other sentence sounds bad/doesn't work.

2/ Atmosphere? Do you feel it?

3/ Thoughts on flow...whether there were places it felt jarring.

TIA.

Here's the link.

For mods:

My critiques:

1915+895+547+3621+1831+1233+607+1443=12092

My submissions:

2038+610+722+753=4123