My monkey (no seriously) likes to ride on my dog and steer her by her ears.
Posted Sep 12, 2010, 2:55 PM UTC
1.2K322
Requesting IMA about owning a monkey as a pet. I am concerned about the poo flinging.
104
I went to the LA county fair yesterday, and they had a guy from a zoo giving a seminar about monkeys. He said monkeys make bad pets because they live in packs, and when they turn 5 or 6, they try to become the alpha male or female. The way they become alpha is basically kicking the ass of all the other monkeys. He said most of the monkeys they get are from people who had them as pets, then they turned violent.
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so if you want a pet monkey for the long haul, you have to be prepared to fight it?
you know, alpha and all.
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That would be pretty interesting to see if it actually worked. Monkey starts getting all violent so you punch the fucker right in his little monkey face... monkey goes back to being cute and riding the dog.
This needs to be done, for SCIENCE.
143
punch the fucker right in his little monkey face
This is why I read reddit.
74
That would probably actually work. Unless of course you had a bigger monkey that could whoop your ass. Of course, if someone saw you punch your monkey they would probably call animal control.
18
Won't work. You have to mount the monkey in an act of dominant sexual aggression...
10
This sounds like a bonus. It's like the droid from force unleashed.
1
Or just give Hitman Monkey a call, and tell him to stop short of killing.
Helping other monkeys might actually give him some badly needed job satisfaction.
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To joust it.
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This was in a comedy bit. Fighting the monkey is the whole point of having it.
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PROTIP: MONKEYS FEAR FIRE. AND TEETH.
-1
Protip: Turn your goddamn caps-lock off, asshole.
2
Depends a bit on the type, but they are very social animals and just like most social/pack animals, habit and control is needed (Why some pitbulls are mean, others have done fine. while it maybe in their nature--a lot has to do with their owners and them being negligent towards their needs instinct or intelligence...etc) Primates are very bright. Abu, for example, does challenge anything thats everything. Like he'll push something, stand back with his mouth open as if to say "what you gunna do 'bout it?!" He learns who he can pick on and sigh... its complicated. He wouldn't mess with my mom, but he'll feed the dogs and right when they get close, he'll grab or pinch them or something. He's the alpha in his head-which can be humorous but also not so great.
42
Its even named Abu.
You motherfucker. That better not be your pool with cave too! Lucky bastard.
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please do an AMA this sounds fascinating
5
What did your mom do to gain its monkey respect?
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mother it.
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I demand videos/pics of your primates slapping ANYTHING!
1
So you get a female monkey instead?
Edit: Or I could learn to read.
7
Also because there's not a single way a person can responsibly have a pet monkey, unless they're doing wildlife rehabilitation. That monkey was taken from its family somewhere, or else was part of a mill.
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Riverside. You should join the Los Angeles subreddit. It's pretty good.
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Also they rip people's faces off. Like all the time.
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0
Cow? Chicken? Goat? We've domesticated something like 11 or 12 animal species over our thousands of years of trying. Don't count out the goat as a splendid pet.
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2
What about fish?
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Fish are decoration not pets. I say this as a former tropical fish owner.
1
I agree but there's also hamsters, guinea pigs, rabbits, some of the stupider birds.
1
My friend had a monkey when he was a kid. His parents had to get rid of it because it wouldn't stop masturbating.
21
Wow, that's why I had to leave home too!
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You can't just abandon your kid because he masturbates a lot.
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What's so bad about that? Was it actually ejaculating all over the place? Monkeys in captivity tend to compulsively masturbate when they're depressed.
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Here you go. Hope you've got some other Q's ;)
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He might have stuff for that.
1
We need video of this, for the sake of science.
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okay. I will try.
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Until you get video of it, enjoy this little monkey...on a pig.
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That monkey was like baby mario when he gets separated from yoshi!
26
I just lol'd coffee all over myself.
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This clearly deserves a reddit post of its own. leolbc, please post a link so we may upvote and rejoice.
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That's kind of cute but there's no way those animals have a good life. The baby monkey is clinging onto the pig bc it has been separated from it's mother. Also that desperate break for it the pig tries to make....
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Your boredringline retarded.
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Do, or do not. There is no try.
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I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try.
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Video is absolutely required.
Video or it didn't happen.
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It's a naughty monkey, you should spank it. Video that. You spanking the monkey.
0
Haha, penis.
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haha masturbation
-1
You have a monkey? How did you get a monkey? I want a monkey!
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Judging by the fact that he has some sort of cave structure built into his pool, I'd say the answer to your question is quite simple. Money.
103
Commoner please, it's called a "grotto".
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You mean there are people without grottos? It's because they can't fit one in their condo right?
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They probably just have smaller ones.
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Well we got rid of ours to make room for the wave machine.
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Commoner please
oh lawd
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How dare you address me without being spoken to, you swine!
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Can't...contain..chortling...too funny.
1
Money=Monkey
Nope that equation makes no sense unless you can account for the K variable
24
Boltzman constant... it will do it to you every time
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I would be careful multiplying my money by something that ends in 10^-23.
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First you get the money, then you get the monkey.
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Now we're getting somewhere. So Money + time + effort + knowledge = Monkey?? Oops, I forgot the Boltzmann constant.
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The K is silent.
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Well take that silent motherfucker out of there, then.
Bob. B k o b, Bob.
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Because multiplying money with the K constant equals monkey ... what is so difficult to grasp?
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Let K = 1.
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Someday I'll make enough money to have a monkey and a cave structure. That'll show 'em.
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He got the monkey from Amazon.
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As harsh as it is, anyone thinking " oh cool! I want one" READ this. it is very true. Ours have a line of captivity so they weren't taken straight from the jungle or anything, but they were taken from their mom when little. (anyone seen the movie Monkey Trouble?) and any animal in captivity-obviously- doesn't get what they would in their real habitat. They take A LOT of time and care, they ARE very much animals of instinct and their curiosity (and cleverness) is what gets them into mischief. There are groups throughout the States who have gotten together to bring awareness to the fact that many monkeys in captivity do not receive the best care and for those that have lines bred and raised here--they're very particular on who ends up with them and help people understand that we have to adapt to their needs as primates. Abu and Maggie (ours) are precious and funny, but they're my mom's children. Quite seriously, my mom chooses them over me. We went through a long and costly process before receiving them and along the way you find out there are many bad and greedy people out there involved in the captivity of primates. Not everyone but Like it says at the end of this, you maybe the BEST primate care taker ever and they may love you and you them--but the U.S. is not the jungle.
EDIT: There are cases to where the mother grew up in captivity or passes away unexpectedly and the baby is then taken care of by humans. Babies are very loyal to their parents and stick to their back during their younger years. SUPPOSEDLY, If you were to introduce a baby to their mom (even if they've never met them) they would just know. They are hugely social, we have groups that visit often and interact with them. I completely agree with the topic being a controversial one because as said before, while there might be perfect caretakers, there are also some doing horrible practices. We live on some land and have several various animals and know other primates, so they DO get interaction 24/7.
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If I was to make a mini forest in my back yard and fence the whole area and a pet monkey loose in there would it go feral and kill me? Im thinking if I was to be in it all the time and hang out with the monkey all the time then it would be more comfortable in a playground he can do whatever he wants with. I would rather have him smash stick and plants than my house anyways. Of course I would let him inside with me too as long as he wasn't a little shit and broke on purpose.
5
One time they got loose in the house (Maggie undid the lock on their room) and Maggie unplugged all the phones and turned on all the houses's water faucets, then abu grabbed my dad's bills and dunked pieces of paper in the water. We found lotion and handprints all over the house. As soon as we came home, Abu was swinging from my hammock chair in my room and Maggie started sucking up to mom cause I assume she knew they'd be in trouble. They never cease to amaze me how smart and similar they are to us. So breaking things? maybe just an accident or curiosity but doing things in spite would depend on the situation. As for killing you... I don't think so.
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Have you seen them assemble a cannon from a coconut once?
11
They would still bite the shit out of you.
1
They were ripped from their poor mothers arms when little. She did not give them up willingly. That is incredibly cruel.
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"Keeping a non-human primate as a pet is just not a good idea." but keeping humans as pets is? informative article though
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oh my
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It was actually a fun series to watch. Completely non sexual and funny sometimes.
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It does leave human pets open as an intriguing possibility.
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Bring out the gimp!
1
So...
Where do I enter my credit card details?
4
Upboat. That was quite informative, and very sad. Brings up some very interesting points I'd never considered in depth before.
2
Sigh...I'm so ashamed to do this, but I need to ask:
When he misbehaves, do you spank him.
(Don't judge me, I'm in a very good mood.)
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Everyone asks if his name is Spank. Spank, the monkey. You're not the first...haha
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hm... Spank, my monkey
1
I'm 86% sure I've dated that monkey.
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Was her name Jenna? She looks familiar.
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I cant really see her features in that pic but I can identify completely with that dog.
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Forget the monkey. Can we come swim in your pool?
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Cannonball!!!
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There's a touring Banana Derby act that has races at fairs and such as. I talked to the owner, he says his pet monkey started riding one of his dogs of it's own accord, just like the OP, and they eventually got another monkey and get suitable dogs from the pound and go on tour. It's fucking hilarious and all the animals involved seem well-treated.
1
Fucking hell. People really didn't give a shit about animals up until recently.
0
Dog and monkey ya ya ya, what the hell is that wet pile of fur back by the pool?
11
thats another monkey
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you are almost there already
19
I bet he has another dog, too.
Just need to fashion some nerf lances...
1
Do they swim!? Monkey pool time sounds cool. Do they like the hot tub better or the pool?
1
I'm jealous of you. Also on a side note, how much did that monkey cost?
edit: ok, wait what the hell?! You have TWO monkeys? doubly jealous.
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You're living all of our dreams.
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He's a real ruff rider.
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Thats what she said..
-1
Ross?
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0
A pet psychiatrist may be able to help your dog get that monkey of her back.
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is that monkey assassin? He finds no joy in his job.
3
if I may ask...Where do you live that you are allowed to have monkeys? Where did you get said monkey? And can I borrow it?
3
By the looks of it... you're living the dream. You have a pool with it's own cave... and a monkey riding a dog... soon to be a jousting monkey.
You sir are a gentleman and a scholar.
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Monkeys aren't pets.
3
Whats that third furry animal in the background? A second monkey?
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Yeah, he said it somewhere else.
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You found the ??? that goes before 5. Profit!!
"train monkeys to joust" will now replace "???"
and a meme is born...
Using the first two examples from encyclopodia dramatica, this gives us:
and
Looks good to me.
Good god. Today, we have revolutionized the internet.
My god. I have just watched history being made.
For the first time in my life, I am posting in an epic thread.
I believe it works with the original too.
Shouldn't you train the monkeys to joust BEFORE you invade Iraq?
Phase 1: Collect Underpants Phase 2: Train monkeys to joust Phase 3: Profit yes! history has been made and the day 9/12 shall go down in history as the day we as a community came together
Shouldn't you train the monkeys to joust BEFORE you invade Iraq?
Forcing it doesn't work. Memes just happen. When you point it out and declare "A MEME IS BORN!", you officially ruin any chance of it catching on. Edit: Negative karma for speaking the truth. I am disappoint.
BAM! New meme right here, folks.
I, for one, appreciate you brutal honesty and buzz-killing.
WHEN YOU SAY IT YOU RUIN IT
No No No! Just like us stupid Americans to be able to invent something, only to let the Japanese perfect it. From the original southpark:
Phase 1: Collect Underpants Phase 2: ? Phase 3: Profit
The Japanese came up with step 2 LONG AGO. Step 2 is: PUT THEM IN VENDING MACHINES.
http://inventorspot.com/articles/japan_used_panty_vending_machines_5650
This has happened before
Or at least christened...
from dog he took flight the monkey once tall round pool and grotto he went 'til Spank took a fall
hmmmm....
Step 1: collect underpants step 2: train monkeys to joust step 3: profit!
dude i figured this out months ago...
You sir, are a geinus.
I can only foresee one problem. The monkeys adapt quickly and learn how to use weapons extremely well. Then they come to realize that what they are doing is for others amusement...thus hitman monkeys will be the outcome
And he will find no joy in his job.
That's exactly the problem. Drowning kids is a chore. If they can do their dirty work with lances while mounted on dogback they'll enjoy it.
The only thing worse than a emotionless killer is one who enjoys his work.
I read this four times, but see no problem. Only awesomeness.
Hey, there is no room for homophobic remarks in here buddy.
I'm sad people would ever down-vote this masterful joke.
Or just do this.
That's one serious looking monkey.
Dog riding is serious buissness, gentleman.
Plus, his name is Justice Boots.
HAZAA!
YATTAA!
hmmm.... maybe.
I think that might be a second monkey behind him.
I think she was sticking her hands in the pool just to play...
WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! Now your cats have hands?! WTF kind of circus are you running over there?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq3EsyotORM relevant
It appears he already has another monkey. This could now quite feasably happen. Excellent.
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Bonobos will "joust" without training, but they're apes, not monkeys.
Bonobos joust with their penises. no.joke
It's true. I've seen it.
Doesn't the literature usually refer to it as penis fencing?
Yes.
There is another monkey. It's in the background right near the center of the picture dipping it's hand into the water.
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